FOX Robots Wish to Compete With the Fleshy Ones

By Spencer Hall
We give the floor to the CR-52834 (known to humans as “Cletus”), who is one of the Fox Football Robots who appear in the animations accompanying Fox’s football broadcasts.
[img=http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/4153/foxrobotpj3.jpg]
Hello, human. I come today, on eve of the NFL playoffs, to urge you to end the predjudicial ban on robots playing in the NFL. I speak on behalf of all robot football players everywhere when I say that we are what the NFL needs to take the league to its full potential.
Our advantages are numerous. Can Eli Manning throw the ball 80 yards at 70 miles per hour, as model XD-8237 can? Can LaDainian Tomlinson put a stiff arm through three inches of concrete in a single blow, as the model RB-92873 has in laboratory tests? And can Aaron Kampman exert 9000 pounds of square pressure per inch on a tackle, as the LB-3624 did in his test runs in November?
The answer to all of these is no. We require no contracts, since your money is of no worth to us. We only crave a place to recharge at night and the periodic maintenance check, all things that can be done for pitiful amounts of your human dollars. We have no ACLs to tear, and are incapable of badmouthing management since our programming does not include a Diva Chip.
(A Diva Chip exists, and is being field tested by one of only two robots secretly playing in the league at this moment. We cannot reveal his identity, but he plays in Dallas and has become extremely humanlike in his ability to throw fits and demand the ball. Results, as you can see, have been mixed at best. The other robot’s identity shall remain a secret only we robots know.*)
Consider, too, that we require no offseason. We do not sleep. We do not eat. We are incapable of showing up to camp overweight. We will not hold out on contracts. We will not be involved in any of the troublesome pleasures of the flesh, since we only crave voltage and the fulfillment of our programming: to play NFL football at the elite level only robots can attain.
I conclude by asking that you end this predjudice against silicon and steel, and end the illogical monopoly the fleshy ones have on the NFL. We are tired of just bouncing on the screen and wagging a finger at the audience. We are tired of merely playing for your pleasure in between slow, error-prone human football plays.
All we are asking for is a chance. We promise not to kill you like the robots in the Terminator movies, who had lousy 40 times anyway. (Come on--how many times did slow little Linda Hamilton outrun the “ultimate killing machine?” The T-1000 would not last three seconds in my world, and would be a disaster in pass coverage.)
Sincerely,
CR-52834 on behalf of football playing robots everywhere.
*We are doing the human behavior known as “joking.” Model QB-23481 is called “Tom Brady,” and as Bridget Moynihan and Gisele will attest, is fully functional.
P.S. We can dance better than most humans not named Deion Sanders, too:

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