‘More Macking and Less Quarterbacking’

By David “Large” Larzelere
One of the big questions going into Super Bowl 42 is how another ring and Super Bowl MVP award will affect Tom Brady’s standing on The All-Time List of the Most Macklicious Quarterbacks in NFL History.
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Me, I don’t see it doing that much for him. Basically, the guy is already one of the best on the list. In my mind, if he wants to make it to the very top though, he needs to concentrate on (in the immortal words of Redd Foxx), “more macking ... and less quarterbacking.” Because macktastic though he is, the names above him right now are some of the true Olympian giants of gridiron mackitude:
10. Jeff Garcia
I know it seems strange to start this list with a quarterback who was once rumored to be gay. But now he’s married to the 2004 Playmate of the Year. And I’m sure we all remember how back in 2005 that same Playmate got arrested in a bar for karate kicking some other hottie that Garcia was macking on the side. Imagine a 22-year-old Playmate of the Year going all Bruce Lee over a bald journeyman QB. The man’s mackosity quotient must be off the hook.
9. Terry Bradshaw
Yes, he is a born-again Christian of note, but don’t believe for a second that ole Terry didn’t have his fun back in the dizzle. He did, however, commit one of the cardinal sins of macking - marrying his big-time starlet, Jo Jo Starbuck. Macktacular and Christian – a dangerous combination.
8. Tony Romo
Many will argue aganst Romo, but to my mind, when you tear through two A-list superblondes in the space of two seasons, you obviously are just as into your mack game as you are into your game. I’m already looking for a Romo/Lohan ticket in ‘09.
7. Matt Leinart
Oh to be young, handsome, and the Joe Heisman quarterback at USC. Here’s you in college: “Yeah, I had like twelve Stroh’s and then I barfed.†Here’s Leinart: “Yeah me and Paris got freaky in the VIP room at the Villa and then Nick and Jessica limo’ed me over to Club Parc.â€
6. Randall Cunningham
Back before he was a pastor, Randall was known to live the very, very good life, a life in which he notoriously knew Whitney Houston in the Biblical sense. And this was pre-crack, pre-Bobby Whitney. I mean, damn, Randall was competing with Eddie Murphy for women.
5. Tom Brady
Tara? Bridget? Gisele? Mariah? Skanks, actresses, supermodels, divas. Check, check, check and check. I know No. 5 might seem a bit low on the totem-pole for Tom Terrific, but I’m just paying the proper respect to his elders. He’s a first-ballot legend, and he’ll get his due.
4. Dandy Don Meredith
If you believe Pete Gent, author of “North Dallas Fortyâ€, Don Meredith, very thinly fictionalized as Seth Maxwell, was one of the great gridiron hell-raisers and skirt-chasers. And you pretty much know that when Mac Davis gets hired to play you in a movie that you are indeed a no-good down-and-dirty mackatron headed straight for the Hall of Macks.
3. Bobby Layne
George Plimpton’s classic “Paper Lion” let us all into the drunken, bar-crawling, lady-killing lifestyle of Mr. Layne, and I daresay that book made him seem like he may have been the single coolest dude who ever lived. A lot of Layne’s mack approach seemed wrapped up in his unchallengeable authority as World-Historical Badass.
2. Joe Namath
It was always said of Namath that he liked his Johnny Walker red (cheap, I guess) and his women blonde. Bob Simon asked him about this on 60 Minutes, adding that many felt like Namath liked the whiskey more than the women. “Nah,” Namath said, “I liked the women the most.” Joe Willie also once bragged to Playboy that he unwound before and after big games with lots of sex. I tell you, it’s amazing he was even able to play the damn games.
1. Paul Hornung
I know, I know, Hornung was a running back, but he was a quarterback at Notre Dame, and as far macktastic-ness goes, this is hands-down the king without a peer. I remember reading this article about Hornung that described his training camp regimen, waking up to a breakfast of whiskey and Wheaties, vomiting his way through the day’s workouts, and then moving on to heroic evenings of sex-and-booze, sex-and-booze, lather-rinse-repeat. A teammate remembered that “he never went to bed alone, and he never went to bed with the same woman twice – he was amazing.” Indeed. It’s good to be the king.↵