Communism Thrives Amongst Smurfs, Patriots

By Matt Crossman
The Patriots have a unique social dynamic. I’ve heard their structure compared to many things: worker ants, worker bees, prison camps, etc. But it reminds me of nothing so much as the Smurfs.
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Each Smurf had a unique role to fill, and he filled that role and only that role. You never saw Brainy Smurf build anything; you never saw Brawny Smurf cook anything. You never saw Skateboarding Smurf playing Hacky-Sack. The same is true with the Patriots. “Do your job,†is their mantra.
Smurfs never try to move up in the world. They do not wish they had some other role. The society thus functions as a whole, with each part interconnected and dependent on every other. The same is true with the Patriots. When Brady turned into Jon Kitna Smurf last Sunday, there was no talk from the team of the offense faltering. Rather, the team as a whole won the game. In the Patriots’ locker room, there is never any internal criticism, just as you never saw any Smurf trying to smackdown any other little blue bastard.
The Smurfs had an unquestioned spiritual and political leader in Papa Smurf. Every word that fell from his little blue mouth was soaked in wisdom. The Smurfs totally bought into everything Papa Smurf said. Nobody second-Smurfed him, ever. Or those who did got eaten by Azriel. And no Patriot ever second-guesses Belichick. Those who do get traded to Miami.
The Smurfs were at first very leery of Smurfette; they thought she’d ruin everything; they didn¹t want her in their little Smurf village. It’s no coincidence that the photos you see of Tom and Giselle Bundchen are always in New York, and never, ever, ever anywhere near Gillette Stadium.
The Smurfs lived in constant fear of Gargamel. The analogy falters a little here because Belichick also acts as Gargamel, but the point is Gargamel dresses better.
There is no such thing as self in the Smurfs (except for maybe Vanity Smurf), just as there is no such thing as individual accomplishment with the Patriots. Have you heard any bragging at all from Brady or Moss for setting all those records? Have you heard any talk at all from any one on the Patriots about how great they are? No.
Papa Smurf has a distinct red outfit. Belichick has a distinct hoodie. Just as you never heard Papa Smurf talk about what a righteous Smurf he was, you never hear Belichick talk about his own accomplishments.
The Patriots will suit up 53 players for the Super Bowl. Fifty-three. Does that number sound familiar? You¹ll never guess how many Smurfs there were.
The Patriots’ philosophy when building a team is simple: Find 53 guys who want to be there, 53 guys who can contribute, 53 guys who submit their wills to the system, 53 guys who know they are not bigger than the system, 53 guys who will not challenge the system, 53 guys who see the accomplishment of the team as more important than the accomplishment of the self.
In other words, the Patriots’ society has no class structure. There is no middle class, no upper class, no lower class. It’s just everybody working together for the improvement of the whole, everybody striving for the same singular goal, everybody sublimating their own goals for the larger goal. You know what they call that kind of society in political science classes across this great land of ours?
They call it communism.
Thus, Belichick is a communist.↵