Jim Brown Tells Tiger How to Be Tiger

Spencer Hall saw Jim Brown talking about Tiger Woods on ESPN and got mad. This is what he writes when that happens:
Hi. I’m Jim Brown, and I’m here to tell Tiger Woods how to behave in public because ESPN wants me to, and because at one point in my life I was the best football player of my era. This entitles me to say whatever I want, especially when it comes to race, because I’m old, grumpy, and, most important, a famous black athlete.
You see, The Golf Channel’s Kelly Tilghman jokingly suggested other golfers lynch Tiger, using a serious word in a grotesque way. She apologized, and Tiger accepted her apology. And now we’re all supposed to move on nicey-nice from this.
I’m outraged that Tiger didn’t act faster and that he didn’t consult an authority like me. I’m so disturbed, in fact, that I feel obligated to stiff-arm my way into this debate whether anyone likes it or not.
Thanks to ESPN, I get to do that! In fact, they want me to do just that. They give me a forum to come on and use my vast expertise in racial matters to accuse the self-described “cablinasian” Tiger Woods of being socially irresponsible -- despite the fact you donated $9.5 million to charity in 2006-07 through the Tiger Woods Foundation and the Earl Woods Learning Center. And the ESPN producers get to drag a hot-button story like this out when the actual parties involved already have settled it. Brilliant!

See, Tiger, you’re not doing enough. I don’t want to see money or actions backing up your charity: I want hollow sound bites made on television. And so does ESPN. I know you have a personal relationship with Kelly but understand this: You’re not a person who gets to forgive someone and settle your own arguments. You’re a hollow shell for others to project their own pet issues -- racism, social justice, etc. -- onto whether you like it or not.
You have no choice in the matter because I am from the ‘60s, and that makes me more moral and wise than you. And you have to deal with it for a few more days because the topic is fish in a barrel for ESPN. Brilliant! Otherwise, ESPN would have to report on real stories. And that’s hard work.
Please consider my carefully thought out arguments. More words, less action, Tiger. That’s what I want to see from you. Or I’ll beat your car with a shovel. Just kidding!
Sincerely,
Jim Brown, courtesy of ESPN↵