Reading the Patriots’ Injury List

By Spencer Hall, who feels he should note that the interpretation of any and all injuries below is satirical, and not to be used for even recreational purposes.
Hockey is famous for its brazenly fabricated injury lists. During the playoffs, a concussion, separated shoulder, ACL tear, or any other potentially crippling injury is described as “flu-like symptoms,” because the officially gambling-free NHL does not have to provide accurate information about the status of ailing players.
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Belichick: would be great in hockey.
Move to the NFL, where (per Pregame.com) Americans will wager an estimated $10 billion dollars, with only one percent of wagering coming the legal, Las Vegas route. Injury information has to be transparent, both to preserve fairness in competition and because of the oceans of cash bet on NFL games.
Bill Belichick has a history of being cagey with his injury reports, so for all the wagerers out there, The Sporting Blog presents this helpful guide to reading the master’s injured list.
1. T. Brady QB: Probable, Right Shoulder.
Interpretation: has had shoulder replaced with black market shoulder joint purchased in Moldova and shipped on ice to the U.S.A in a styrofoam cooler. Should start, barring his body rejecting the new joint.
2. R. Harrison: Probable, Thigh.
Interpretation: Rabid. Will play with visible symptoms, which may pass unnoticed, because we are talking about Rodney Harrison here.
3. C. Scott: IR, Knee.
Interpretation: Was hit by runaway semi-truck in front yard of home. Will play in spots depending on situation and ability to move extremities.
4. M. Richardson: IR, Hand.
Interpretation: A Belichick classic, the hand is. This one has a very specific meaning: crushed by pile of bricks dropped from a high-rise on accident. Again, hopes to play in spots pending cortisone injections.
5. R. Colvin: IR, Foot.
Interpretation: Again, another classic. This is Belichick’s code for “not really injured, and will fly into your quarterback headfirst at 18 miles an hour with 5:38 to go in the 2nd quarter.” Take note, Eli Manning.
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