Real, Undiagnosed Illnesses of Pro Athletes

AIDS is hard to fake, but don’t bother telling talk radio hosts in Minneapolis, who are convinced that Magic Johnson doesn’t really have HIV. They’re doctors, you know, when they’re not being talk radio hosts, and can tell this just by looking at someone. ↵↵I’d like to take this as an opportunity not to condemn them, because idiocy has its own price. They’ll pay somehow, whether it’s by choking to death on a particularly large bread stick at the Olive Garden, or being hit by a car as they go to pick up something shiny in the middle of an eight-lane interstate. I would, though, like to -- since we’re all doctors and medical experts now -- diagnose a few of the unpublicized medical conditions prominent athletes really suffer from but have not disclosed publicly. ↵

↵↵Phil Mickelson: Successfully battled anorexia for years now. ↵

↵↵Prince Fielder: proves that pregnant men can be both strong and beautiful at the same time.↵

↵↵Steve Nash: became one of the most successful point guards in NBA history despite suffering from the heartbreak of split ends since 2004.↵

↵↵Rafael Nadal: triumphed over an undiagnosed case of dorsally-oriented jock itch for the length of his career.↵

↵↵Tom Brady: has coped with being infectiously sexy remarkably well.↵

↵↵Manny Ramirez: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, which he deals with by taking off half of every inning. Guess which one? ↵

↵↵Joey Porter: Has successfully faked the only documented case of non-fatal chronic rabies for over a decade now.↵

↵↵Joe Buck: Born with Cerebral Hypertrophy, and still became a leader in his field. ↵

↵↵Lance Armstrong: Still has cancer by choice; keeps just enough of it around to taunt it in the morning, then beat it down before lunch. ↵

↵↵The Brothers Manning: Starting QBs in the NFL with Super Bowl victories despite Chronic Poutiness and Diaper Rash. ↵

↵↵You may ask: how did we diagnose these? Simply by looking at them, of course. It’s that easy! Try it yourself in the comments below. ↵

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