Diego Maradona was named the head coach of Argentina’s national soccer team yesterday despite having no top-level coaching experience whatsoever. But when you are Maradona, you don’t need no stinking experience, because you are a god walking the earth among mere mortals. Of course, you are a god with a stapled stomach known for bizarre political views and equally bizarre behavior and most famously known to have snorted more coke over the years than Rick James, Waylon Jennings and Stevie Nicks combined. ↵↵As recently as May of 2007 Maradona was in the hospital being treated for hepatitis and alcoholism. The man, worshipped by Argentineans, is chronically unstable. Did I mention that he passionately hates America and is pro-Iran? He’s a real catch. I imagine him up in his heavily-guarded coaching bunker at a giant coke-encrusted desk like Tony Montana before the Colombians attack. “Say hello to my lid-dle fre’n… Lionel Messi! Lionel, where are you? Bring me my bazooka!”↵
↵↵Anyway, Maradona’s appointment as Argentina’s coach made me think of all the other coaching jobs that could open up in his wake for some of the great sporting malcontents of the past. Here’s my wish-list for the coming year:↵
↵↵5. Lawrence Taylor -- Head Coach of the Giants
↵I know, I know, the Giants seem to be faring pretty well without LT at the helm. But that’s only temporary. I’m thinking they flame out in the second half and get destroyed in the playoffs and the fans of Big Blue start to get a little edgy. Perfect time to bring in LT, a Maradona appointment if ever there was one. Stratospheric legend? Check. No experience? Absolutely none. Completely out of his frickin’ mind? Oh yeah baby, all the way out of it.↵
↵
↵4. Dennis “Oil Can” Boyd -- Manager of the Red Sox
↵Clearly, Terry Francona’s run is over and the Red Sox need a new manager pronto. So you’re probably thinking, “yo Large, among the reasons that Oil Can Boyd can’t be suddenly appointed manager of the Red Sox is that he’s in prison.” But that’s where you’re wrong, smart guy, ‘cause he’s out now. And that right there is a concise little campaign slogan for the man that really says all there is to say -- “Oil Can Boyd for Red Sox Manager… Cause He’s Out of Prison.”↵
↵
↵
3. Mike Tyson -- Trainer for David Haye
↵British fighter David Haye is looking to be the guy that reinvigorates heavyweight boxing, and so he may as well turn to the last guy who managed that trick to train him, Iron Mike himself. This is a turn of events that does not seem so preposterous to me, actually. Maybe not with David Haye, but as I pointed out in this piece here on TSB, Tyson as a wizened old seen-it-all trainer á la Cus D’Amato seems like the happiest kind of full-circle ending that one can imagine for the guy. Given his historic appetites and inclination towards ridiculously bad judgment, it’s doubtful that he’ll make it there, but the gig is waiting for him if he wants it.↵
↵↵2. Darryl Dawkins -- Head Coach of the Sixers
↵Admittedly, Mo Cheeks is doing a rock-solid job with this young squad. But though I see a certain enthusiasm on the court, I note an absence of interplanetary funkmanship. Maybe Darryl doesn’t need to be brought in as head coach -- maybe that’s precipitous. Maybe he should just be brought in as the Special Galactic Consultant on All Matters Concerning Space and Time and The Turbo Sexophonic Imperative to Explore the Ladies’ Minds. Face it, Sixers fans -- there’s no one else out there qualified to do that job except the Double Dizzle.↵
↵↵1. John Daly -- U.S. Ryder Cup Captain
↵This is a layup. Yeah, Mr. Straight and Narrow Paul Azinger was the captain of the ’08 champions, but we all know that the real leader out there on the course was one Super Boo Weekley. Now, I’m not exactly ruling out (He Will Always Be My) Boo’s captain candidacy in the future, but for the 2010 Cup we’re going to need him on the course, and we’re going to need a captain who can cater to his particular ideological necessities. And that, my friends, says King Grip It and Rip It to me. He smokes, he drinks, he lives on candy bars and lard. He thinks Europe is a boring country next to Afghanistan where fancy-pants Commies watch bad TV and think wine is a drink that has “alcohol” in it. In other words, John Daly is the right, nay, only man for the job.↵
↵
This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.
The mythical two-hour mark was broken at the London Marathon.
The Seahawks and Patriots will open the Super Bowl with the coin toss to determine who starts with the ball. We have the full coin toss results for Super Bowl 60.
MotoGP’s Marc Marquez completed a comeback for the ages with his 2025 title
