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In Memoriam 2008

Dec 31, 2008, 9:30 PM UTC

With 2008 coming to an end, allow us to take a moment to remember what we lost from the world of sports this year. Before continuing, please cue “I Will Remember You” to achieve the proper feeling of melancholy. Alright, proceed.
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â†µTony Romo. Killed when paramour Jessica Simpson tossed an iron into his lukewarm hot tub to warm him up a bit. The part of Romo was then played by Jeff George for the remainder of the season.â†µ

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â†µManny Ramirez. Done in by his propensity to simply be himself, he was exiled to the westernmost point of the American frontier never to be heard from by those on the East Coast again. We assume he feel over the edge of the earth, but it's possible he was hunted down for his lavish furs, which the natives have been known to reuse as elaborate headdresses. â†µ

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â†µJay Mariotti. Successfullyâ†µchoked by Chicago readership after 20 years of failed assassinationâ†µattempts. Alternate conspiracy theory: suffocated by own ego, whichâ†µcollapsed remaining ability to string words into semi-coherentâ†µsentences.â†µ

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â†µThe Sanctity of Boston Sports as The Most Cherished And Mythologized Sports of All Sportdom. If the natural Bill Simmons fatigue did not asphyxiate the last shreds of your tolerance for Bostonian sporting solipsism, TAWMMY on Kissing Suzy Kolber did the rest.â†µ

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â†µNASCAR. Died of neglect at an unspecified time on June 15, 2008.â†µ

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â†µPhilly Phanatic. Died at the end of a five hour firefight with federal agents following the celebration of the Phillies' World Series championship. Philly fans booed both the firefight and its conclusion.â†µ

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â†µLatrell Sprewell. Soul repossessed after failure to pay.â†µ

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â†µMichael Phelps. Made the mistake of not realizing how seriously convenience stores in Singapore take their “no shirt, no shoes, no service” policy. Missed by no one, except those who manufacture various men's hats in the style of douche.â†µ

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â†µTiger Woods. The world's greatest golfer passed away in his private island fortress on November 14th, overcome by the suffocating luxury of having a perfect wife, more money than a human being could possibly spend, the softest of beds, 400 cars all nicer than any ever built, perfectly ironed slacks at the snap of a finger 24 hours a day, and complete mastery of one of the most difficult games ever created by man. â†µ

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â†µNikolai Valuev. The Russian boxer was shot by US Customs agents on October 2nd when he was confused for a bear walking on its hind legs upon entry at LaGuardia Airport. â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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