In Which We Shift ‘Roid Debate From MLB to Bulls

By Spencer Hall
Having solved the problems of stagflation and health care before breakfast, America’s fine representatives held hearings with the heads of the NFL, NHL, NBA, and MLB yesterday concerning the use of steroids in pro sports. David Stern urged against federal intervention, and the NHL just blushed, giggled, and repeated over and over again how happy they were to “just be invited.”
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Dwyane Bowe is jealous of them earrings, Bulls.
Congress neglected to invite the head of the PBR (Professional Bull Riding), where a test for Human Growth Hormone only makes half-sense, and where they are already talking about testing the real stars of the sport: the bulls.
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[quote="The Daily Oklahoman"]H.D. Page of Dickson says he doesn’t care if PBR vets test his bucking bulls for steroids, as long as they don’t hurt one.
”If they cripple one of my bulls trying to perform some bogus test, I am going to have a problem with that,†said Page, who operates D&H Cattle Co., with his father, Dillon. “I feel for certain they’re not going to find any illegal substance in any of my bulls.
”But you take a risk of hurting one of those bulls every time you handle them. That’s my only beef with the test.â€[/quote]
Beef? Get it! He’s got a BEEF with the test! Cowboy humor, WHAT!
Having seen a PBR event up close and personal, the idea of a rodeo bull hopped up on steroids haunts us like the vision of a shirtless Charles Barkley: It’s excessive, unnecessary, and more terrifying than death.
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