Journalists Know Which Guy Is the Right Guy

Part of the fun of the draft is talking to the journalists who cover the event. They all sound exactly like this.↵↵Oh, what are they doing. Just an idiot move. I know a guy who knows one of that guy’s coaches, and he says the forty time’s fake, and that he’s dumb as a sack of hammers. A real dummy. Seriously, I know a guy.↵

↵↵And that guy the Colts just took? He’s not that their kind of guy. I know their kind of guy, and he’s not their kind of guy. I was talking to a guy in their front office, and he’s not their kind of guy. Their kind of guy? That other guy is their kind of guy. But him? No way. Wrong guy.↵

↵↵The third round guy, though? Slam-dunk. Home-run. Money. Pure gold. He’s fantastic. Can’t miss. Sure-win. Big upside. Great character. I talked to one of his coaches who knows the kid, and he’s the truth. For real. Slam. Dunk. Heard it from a guy.↵

↵↵Oh, and don’t tell anyone--seriously, this is just between you and me--but the second rounder they took? Character issues. Not a good guy. Background issues. Mighta killed someone with a frozen turkey in a grocery store fight in November. Covered up by the local cops. Once hit a tree for looking at him the wrong way. And trees can’t even see, right? I’m telling you, I know a guy.↵

↵↵And my final little tip, friend? Green Bay just drafted a walking injury. He’s walking around like no problem, right? Inside tip: he’s got a wooden leg. I know, freaky, but I know a dude who knows their trainer. It’s made of a pine/balsa mix and he calls it “Evelyn” when no one’s looking. Don’t tell anyone.↵

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