OMG! Sex and the City Is Coming Out!

Call the girls! The Sex and the City movie is coming out! Cosmos all around!
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↵Maybe you’ve never thought of casting athletes as each member of the Sex and the City cast, but you’ve never been charged with filling content space for ESPN the Magazine. (At this rate, neither will we.) But we’re sitting here in our Manolo Blahniks just dying to show off our knowledge of America’s favorite show about horrifically stereotypical women living fantastical lives who never have to pay a rent check, go to work, or visit their families on holidays!
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↵Carrie: Tom Brady. Masks needlessly complex, poorly managed love↵life as “character development.” Came to the big city from Smalltown,↵U.S.A. Slave to fashion; owns an obscene amount of shoes. Also a huge↵fan of a good cosmo. Hangs out with models. Prone to providing inane↵narration of his own banal actions.
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↵Samantha: Derek Jeter. Promiscuous. Looked great in a skin-tight dress on SNL. Loves a good Cosmo. Fierce shopper. Meticulous about personal appearance. Dates models with long, luxurious hair.
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↵Charlotte: Peyton Manning. Relentless hard worker despite coming from privilege. Endured public heartbreak before finding his dreams. Craves a great pantsuit. Like Kristen Davis, has never appeared naked in his professional life and never will. Just adores King Charles’ Spaniels.
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↵Miranda: Big Brown. Hardworking. Sorta red-headed if you see him in the right light. Great legs. Just as Miranda does in the show, walks around naked all the time. No nonsense and focused, but leaves time for life’s carrots. Prone to fits of anger. Into the fillies. ↵