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The Enumerative: Envy the Inanimate Objects

Jun 26, 2008, 4:30 PM UTC

Welcome to our incredibly innovativeâ†µfeature, The Enumerative. Because lists are awesome, plus effectiveâ†µtime killers, in this space we'll provide a top five based loosely onâ†µsomething that has recently occurred in the sporting world. It is compiled by Spencer Hall and Chris Mottram, unless otherwise noted.
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â†µâ†µThe above photo was taken yesterday, after Ana Ivanovic won her second round match at Wimbledon. The more we stared at it, the more jealous we become of that stupid netcord. This got us thinking: Which inanimate sports-related objects would we most want to be? The results after the jump.
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â†µ1. The Chopping Cow. My job responsibilities include surveying all I see, moving my leg back and forth in a rhythmic fashion, and looking like some kind of bovine demigod worshipped by forty thousand sunburned baseball fans. Besides the occasional lightning strike, it's the easiest job in the universe, and I get the bonus of being nightmare fuel for thousands of impressionable young Chik-Fil-A eaters.â†µ

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â†µ2. The Rabbit at the Dogtrack. Eat it, greyhounds. You'll die watching my plastic hindquarters fly around the oval, forever just out of your range. I win, and I always win. Pete Carroll talks about winning forever, but he's made of flesh and bone. You know the only thing that wins more than I do? Gravity.â†µ

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â†µ3. Howard's Rock (Clemson). You get to sit with a superb view of every home game in your own special house constructed specifically for your safety. In addition to primo seats and custom housing, you are rubbed by anyone who sees you, meaning it's a bit like being Scarlett Johannsen in her prime, but forever.â†µ

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â†µ4. Pacman Jones’ Money. For starters, you’re naturally a 100 dollar bill, the biggest of all the bills, and the envy of all other paper products. And if being the leader of the pack isn’t good enough, consider that Pacman’s money is destined for one place and one place only: The underpants of beautiful women of questionable repute. â†µ

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â†µ5. Bull’s Horns. You're why people don’t mess with the bull and the only reason that Spain’s national sport (bull fighting) and most celebrated annual event (running of the bulls) are intriguing and dangerous. Without you, the bull is nothing but an oversized heifer. With you, he is the most badass land-dwelling animal not named Naja-Naja. Plus, once the Bull is deceased, you become lovely jewelry to be worn and admired by only the most affluent women. â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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