Russian Players Offered ‘Two Beautiful Chicks’ In Exchange For Every Goal They Score Today

If I had to switch nationalities, I would probably become Russian. The reasons are limitless: They workout with cannonballs with handles, built the largest nuclear weapon ever constructed and then blew it up in the middle of nowhere just to see what would happen, and spend every day being hard, indestructible, and Russian. This may or may not be true in real life, but since I’ve never been there I have to rely on scientific sources like Eastern Promises and Rocky 4 for my information on the country. I’m sure both are completely and 100 percent accurate in their portrayal of Russia as a country of merciless robotic pugilists and assassins ready to fight and kill the enemy at all times. ↵↵Russia also knows how to treat its killer athletes. When they score in important competitions, grateful fans like Pyotr Listerman rush forward to make sure they continue the trend off the field, too. ↵

↵↵⇥Listerman, known for setting up rich Russians with wives, said: “For each goal I’ll present two beautiful chicks. Watch the guys react.”↵↵

↵Listerman, a millionaire who I’m sure made all of that money in legitimate and not-at-all shady ways, is known for procuring wives for wealthy Russians. To repeat: This does not sound at all dodgy to my ears. Nope. Not at all. (Sssssshhhhh! Rich people in Russia are all Bond villains! Or at least act like them!) Andrei Arshavin, the emerging star of the tournament thus far, thinks the offer will be an effective one in today’s match against Spain. ↵↵⇥Andrei, set to star in tonight’s semi-final against Spain, said: “There are a number of bachelors in our team. This is a great incentive.” ↵↵Listerman is overlooking one small detail, however: if the Russians manage to win against Spain, the team’s conditioning could be completely shot for the final thanks to his “recovery plan” for the team. They’re athletes, not race horses, tovarech.↵