Sesame Street Drives Cubs Fans to Violence

If you’re gonna live in Chicago and be part of this whole Cubs vs. Chisox thing, then you absolutely must be ready to throw-down anywhere, anytime. Even at the birthday party for your buddy’s 2-year-old:↵↵⇥McHenry County authorities say three Chicago Cubs fans face felony battery charges after allegedly beating a Chicago White Sox fan so badly he lost his right eye.↵⇥↵⇥The men are accused of beating 32-year-old Robert Steele of Gurnee during a 2-year-old girl’s Sesame Street-themed birthday party.↵⇥

↵⇥↵⇥Police said Monday the men were drinking alcohol at the July 19th party and taunting Steele.↵⇥

↵⇥↵⇥They say Steele was kicked in the head and his nose was broken. He stayed several days at an Elgin hospital.↵⇥

↵↵We could easily blame this senseless violence on the fierce and irrational nature of professional sport fandom or, of course, the booze. But no, I blame this on Sesame Street. If you’ve ever seen Bert and Ernie go brutal on some deathmetal, than you know where I’m coming from. Sure, the Muppets might seem all nice and cuddly and homoerotic, but deep down, they’re violent, malicious little pumpkin-headed freaks. Need proof: Get an eyeful of Miss Piggy taking a shank to Bob Newhart. That was the first photographically documented Muppet-on-human violence. Since then, they’ve taken their violence off Sesame Street and into the back alleys. But it still exists, friends. And its influences are as far-reaching as McHenry Country birthday parties.
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↵So remember, if you see a blur of blue fur with a Cubs hat on and gleaming steel in its hand, do yourself a favor: empty the clip, reload, and don’t ask questions until it stops moving.↵