General

You Want NCAA Football Tips? We Got Yer Tips

Aug 22, 2008, 6:00 PM UTC

Spencer Hall is currently on vacation in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. Subbing for him this week is veteran Louisville bookie Jackie Bordeaux. This is not his real name, but what’s it to you, anyway?â†µ

â†µYou want tips? I got tips. Loads of ‘em. Don’t tell no one. If you do, I’ll do the same thing to you that I did to Franchione and Barnett. Look where they are now: ESPN. You wanna mess with Zeus, he’ll bring down the thunder and lightning, you know what I mean?â†µ

â†µâ†µGood. We’re clear on that. Now here’s what I know. It’ll only cost you fifty dollars and a hot pressed ham sandwich. Yes, with provolone. What am I, a peasant with the American cheese? Pro-vo-lone. â†µ

â†µâ†µWe’re clear? Good. Here’s your tips. â†µ

â†µâ†µMatt Stafford’s gonna be fine. So what if he loses his starting left tackle Trinton Sturdivant? Starting at left tackle as a freshman last year, Sturdivant was labeled a liability, but it turned out to be a dominant season for him. Talent is talent is talent, regardless of age.â†µ

â†µâ†µHis replacement is Kiante Tripp, a guy who in practice popped his own dislocated thumb back into socket like he was trimming a fingernail. He also had the second highest total on the team in the back squat. He’s also coached by Stacy Searles, who after 2007’s results at LSU s now property of the University of Georgia, and has been equipped with a homing device to keep him from leaving Athens. It’s under the bumper on his car and powered by a nuclear battery. Don’t tell no one.â†µ

â†µâ†µTIP! Stafford does have one problem: Stafford’s really Jake Plummer on bovine growth hormone. Jake had the whole treatment done in six weeks in a clinic in Belize in 2005 for one more shot at the college game. Seriously: if you tell anyone, I’ll have you cut into sausage links. Tasty ones. â†µ

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â†µIllinois is gonna be fine again. That Zook dude is a genius, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, friend. He’s got low expectations and recruits football players like a man selling flameproof undies in hell, and the talent’s starting to accumulate. â†µ

â†µâ†µVontae Davis at corner is established goods, and defensive end Will Davis joins a rotation of defensive linemen that goes at least eight deep. He’s been downing ice cream shakes all summer, just like me. He doesn’t put two cups of discount rum in his like I do, though. Maybe that’s why he looks like cut beef and I look like three sacks of sausage left out in the midday sun too long. â†µ

â†µâ†µYou comin’ with that sandwich, or what?â†µ

â†µâ†µTIP! Arrelious Benn has a beard, meaning that even though he may be lining up in the backfield for extra touches, he’ll be less aerodynamic when he does. Whatever shortens the path between Juice Williams and the guy who gets the ball works for me, beard or not.â†µ

â†µâ†µTexas is gonna destroy Florida Atlantic. Howard Schnellenberger said that Texas “has never been a tough team, a physically tough team.” Go ahead. Watch him say it yourself if you don’t believe me. The last guy who talked this way about Texas was Rudy Carpenter, the Arizona State QB. This is what happened to him after he was sacked four times and held to 18 for 32 and 187 yards in the Holiday Bowlâ†µ

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â†µFlorida Atlantic’s a little baby pit bull coming off their first bowl victory in history, but if Schnellenberger wanted to play psychological kung-fu, he’d pump a little sunshine up their wazoo instead of calling them un-tough. Tell Brian Orakpo he’s soft and he’s coming at you with hundred-pound kettlebells in both hands. â†µâ†µTIP! Even though his team’s gonna lose to the Longhorns, I’ll give you even money on Schnellenberger’s sideline snack of choice. (Hint: it’s the same thing he’s been ordering pre-game for thirty-five years: a half-pound bag of nails and a Diet Coke.) â†µ

â†µâ†µClemson. Um, yes. Clemson. The only preseason top ten team I can see that may have up to three freshmen rotating in on the offensive line. That offensive line will attempt to protect Cullen Harper, who has a gimpy ankle coming out of spring practice. Dump a bucket of raw chicken parts into the bear pit at the zoo and you’ll get an idea of what this could look like. â†µ

â†µâ†µTIP! They won’t be playing a defensive line in week one, so you won’t really notice yet. Alabama does have defensive tackle Terrence Cody, who allegedly weighed close to four hundred pounds coming into Alabama. So I could be wrong, seeing that Cody’s two 1964-sized linemen all by himself. I’ll give you 3-1 that Clemson begins distracting him with Chik-Fil-A sandwiches on hooks in the middle of the second quarter, and 2-1 that he takes the bait. It’s really their only hope. â†µ

â†µâ†µGood. Now there’s your fifty dollars worth, and get speedy with the sandwich, kid. By the way, if you see a guy with legal papers asking for me, I’m not here. If I paid the alimony I actually owe, I’d be down one kidney and two corneas, and these eyes have to get to the track for the fourth race at Churchill Downs to make the rent today. I’ve slept in the walk-in freezer before. I don’t want to do it again. â†µ

â†µâ†µJackie Bordeaux is currently dispensing cutting-edge advice and beverages at Sharkey’s Trackside in Louisville, KY. Spencer Hall will return next week. â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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