Shaq Will Retire in Exactly 735 Days

It’s official. Shaquille O’Neal, he of the decaying body, decreased stamina, excess ego, and limited effectiveness, is not long for this league. How do I know? He told me so. He told us all so, and even gave us a number. It’s like the End of Days and The Black Album rolled up in one. From an exclusive interview with CF13:↵↵⇥[O’Neal] intends to play out the remainder of his contract and then call it quits.↵⇥
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↵⇥“My basketball career will be over in 735 days, and being an educated man, I’ve always had things to fall back on. So one of my options is law enforcement. But if Jerry Demings is going to be the sheriff I would love to work for him,” O’Neal said.↵↵Unlike Jay-Z, or Brett Favre, no one’s going to be hankering for a Shaq-back (get it? like a “comeback” but TM-ed!), at least not at a rate that the Big Distraction can stomach. Plus, while he had a few good games for Phoenix and allowed Amare to further flourish, that team as a whole just looked off—including Nash—and their poor playoff showing proved it. That O’Neal’s latest big splash came when he rudely called out Kobe for failing to win the Finals without him, a surefire sign of someone whose heart is already permanently on the late night show and celebrity charity circuit. It was like he’d forgotten that he too still had an active career that could be measured.↵
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↵Speaking of which, he caught a few demerits, or lost some plastic badges, or whatever happens to those who bring shame to a token law enforcement position, when that uncouth rappin’ made headlines. Maybe O’Neal’s just realizing how far he’s got to travel to get himself back on the path to sheriff-dom, and figures he can’t afford to lose another minute. It’s not like he’s winning any additional rings, anyway.↵