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The Enumerative: Matt Millen’s Next Job

Sep 24, 2008, 2:55 PM UTC

Welcome to our incredibly innovativeâ†µfeature, The Enumerative. Because lists are awesome, plus effectiveâ†µtime killers, in this space we'll provide a top five based loosely onâ†µsomething that has recently occurred in the sporting world. It'sâ†µcompiled by Chris Mottram and Spencer Hall, unless otherwise noted.

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â†µNo one thought it possible, but it's actually happened: Matt Millen has been fired as GM of the Detroit Lions. So while a tortured fan base rejoices, we have already started considering Millen's future. Here now are the top five possibilities for his next occupation:
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â†µPoultry Processor. Realizing how horrible he's been as Lions GM he decides to properly punish himself by taking on the second worst job in America. The worst being street prostitute. But that job is only unpleasant if you actually get business, and Millen doesn't quite have the goodies to be in high demand. So instead he’ll just be beheading live chickens and pulling their guts out by hand, an apt metaphor for what he did with the Lions.â†µ

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â†µAnti-Agent to the Stars. Very simple: in any field, hire Millen to pick the most talented actors/athletes/what-have-you out of a set number of candidates. Then take whomever he does not pick, promote them, and watch the cash roll in. Millen is the real-life George Costanza in his Yankees front office heyday: a man with tragicomic natural instincts that only doing the opposite of his hunches would lead to success.â†µ

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â†µChairman of Fire Millen Movement. Millen’s support of irony during his tenure as GM, during which he drafted wide receivers with the team’s first round pick three years in a row, continues as head of the Fire Millen team. The irony only gets richer, as the FM movement shows up at each of Millen’s subsequent interviews, preventing him from being hired for further employ. â†µ

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â†µA Contestant on Wipeout. The only fitting revenge for Detroit fans -- short of imprisoning Millen for nine years in a dank basement as he did to them -- would be to put Millen on the Japanese-inspired game show Wipeout in a pink bodysuit and watch him fall into mudpits, get clobbered by mechanical fists hammering at him from a wall, and suffer 1/1,000,000th of the indignities Detroit fans have been put through. Then, when he's finished, make him run the course again, but tape steaks to him and put hungry wild dogs throughout the gauntlet.â†µ

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â†µCEO of Freddie Mac. Well, either that or the United States Ambassador to the Nation of Incompetentsylvania -- he speaks their language. Either job would be fitting for his skill set.â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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