Philly Phanatic’s Irresponsible Littering Leads to BBQ, Bomb Squad-Style

Philly police take their litter very, very seriously. The Philadelphia police bomb squad detonated suspicious packages found outside the Phillies stadium Wednesday night. The packages were not actually bombs, which the police perhaps realized when the usual acrid smell of explosive and timer cord was replaced with the delicious smell of freshly cooked and obliterated Hatfield Hot Dogs. (Hatfield: the official hot dog of the Phillies, who want you to know that while not actually bombs, they certainly explode with flavor in the mouth! HEY-O!)↵↵The suspect: the littering of the Phillie Phanatic, who, in addition to possessing a mouth frighteningly similar to the blood-sucking proboscis of a mosquito, is also a civic menace when it comes to garbage. The Phanatic used the dogs in a commercial featuring the himself firing the dogs -- heavily wrapped in tape -- from a hot dog cannon, and once filming was done a few hours before pregame, the crew and mascot simply left the hot dogs on the ground. Police spied the packages, took no chances, and had one of the more expensive barbecues in city history thanks to some mascot littering.↵

↵↵So, to review: the Phillie Phanatic has an unlicensed, meat-firing weapon, a terrifying, potentially blood-sucking nose/mouth/thing, and leaves meat all over the place to rot and practically invite hordes of wild dogs into the streets of Philadelphia. Given this evidence, I must conclude that he is an essential invitee to my next family Christmas party, since familial strife and fights will be much more colorful with a huge green mascot on an ATV firing hot dogs all over the place and fighting off the nipping mob of dogs that follow him around barking for free wieners.↵

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