General

Wake-Up Call: 163 Games, Linehan Fired, Etc.

Sep 30, 2008, 12:22 PM UTC

Spencer Hall is pinch-hitting for Dan Shanoff, who is celebrating Rosh Hashanah. He’ll be back tomorrow, we swear.â†µâ†µToday’s Calls: Twins vs. White Sox, NFL Coaches Death Row, Ohio State Gets No Love, and Josh Howard Improves Life with Certified Stupidity.â†µ

â†µâ†µThe White Sox force a one-game playoff, and will meet with the Twins tonight to settle what 162 games of baseball could not. As a self-confessed baseball illiterate, this must be good for at least one reason: it keeps Ozzie Guillen in front of a microphone, which is always a good thing. Plus: he’s famously friendly toward Jay Mariotti!â†µ

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â†µYour resumes, they need updating now. Lane Kiffin is out, but give Al Davis the scrap of credit he deserves: he's at least negotiating a proper exit for Kiffin, and has not placed the contents of his office in a white cardboard box on the pavement. â†µThe white cardboard box, in case you didn't know, is universal: When you're fired, they always make you put your stuff in a white cardboard box they sell specifically for this purpose.â†µ

â†µâ†µLinehan fired, puts stuff in the white box. Scott Linehan, not so much. He gets the customary boot after 11 wins in 2-1/3 seasons, a quarterback controversy, and the doom-filled music that plays when the owner begins publicly hinting you’re a dead man walking. Only a public statement of confidence is a worse sign. Jim Haslett, defensive coordinator and ex-Saints head coach, takes over. Expect some muscular scowling.â†µ

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â†µNever graduate. Danny Ware, former Georgia running back and current New York Giant, shows that never graduating has its costs as he is arrested for being a drunk pedestrian after the Bulldogs' loss Saturday. If being a drunk pedestrian in a roadway were punished retroactively, we'd serve three to six months easy starting now.â†µ

â†µâ†µThe Cubs versus Dodgers: To the Pain! Two of the most aggrieved fan bases in the National League face off in the NLDS. Again, not being a baseball fan, this is how I would look at it: if the Cubs win, this only raises the potential agony Cubs fans can later suffer and then mythologize. If the Dodgers win, you can watch stodgy baseball fans flip out as Manny Ramirez continues to loaf in the outfield and be the best pure hitter of his generation almost without effort. Either way the casual observer wins.â†µ

â†µâ†µUnderrated? Matt Hayes argues that Ohio State is underrated right now. In all likelihood, having been burned by the Buckeyes too many times already, pollsters are being conservative and waiting to see the Terrelle Pryor experiment unfold.â†µ

â†µâ†µ“... something to do with it.” Home run totals are quantifiably down. Steroid testing may have “something to do with it.” In other news, multiple stab wounds may be fatal to monkeys.â†µ

â†µâ†µDennis Dillon wonders out loud what you’re probably thinking, as well: if Linehan was so terrible, why reward his defensive coordinator? Whose defense stands 31st out of 32 teams in total defense? â†µDillon also mentions that Haslett is totally qualified, too.â†µ

â†µâ†µSteelers win game, lose battle in trainer’s room. 23-20 over the Ravens don’t come cheap, yo. The Steelers get down to their fourth-string running back and lose their starting right guard in an injury-cursed game against Baltimore. The good news is that Ben Roethlisberger left the game standing and unconcussed.â†µ

â†µâ†µJosh Howard confesses to being stupid. Josh Howard apologizes for his comments about the national anthem, which only sets him up for further success in escaping any serious consequences for being stupid. Once you’ve openly copped to being an idiot, it’s like being diagnosed with a terminal case of stupid. When something bad happens, you simply flash your stupid card, everyone nods, and then things proceed as normal because everyone knows you’re an idiot already. It streamlines things, really. Trust me: â†µit’s worked for me for years.â†µ

â†µâ†µRichard Collier: Partially paralyzed and an amputee ... but alive. Godspeed.â†µ

â†µâ†µFemale MMA: No respect. Gina Carano says she gets no respect and neither do female MMA fighters. She’s right ... especially on the internet, where Carano is used only as page view bait by bloggers and websites because she’s widely considered to be attractive, and not actually mentioned for her substantial skills. â†µI don’t care if they’re female or male: just the training alone required for legitimate MMA fighting is brutal, and that’s before you climb into a ring with someone who can knock you out with their hands, feet, or by submission or choke-out.â†µ

â†µâ†µChongo. The Times catches up with one of Yosemite climbings most oddball of oddballs, the homeless amateur physicist and wall climber Chongo. Fascinating reading.â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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