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Come Fan with UsMonday, June 22, 2026

Cavemen Were Faster Than Usain Bolt

Usain Bolt is the fastest human being that ever lived. Unless, he’s not. According to Peter McAllister, author of Manthropology: the Science of Inadequate Modern Man, the current man is “the weakest in history” and would have got smoked in a race against our ancestors.

↵↵By analysing sets of footprints preserved in a fossilised claypan lake bed, Mr McAllister concluded that Australian aboriginals 20,000 years ago reached speeds of 23mph on soft, muddy ground.

↵Bolt, by comparison, reached a top speed of 26mph at last year’s Beijing Olympics during his then world 100 metres record of 9.69 seconds.

↵Mr McAllister claims that with modern training, spiked shoes and rubberised tracks, aboriginal hunters might have reached speeds of 28mph - faster than Bolt’s record-breaking 100m performance at the World Championships in Berlin this summer.

↵↵McAllister went on to say that “Neanderthal women had 10 per cent more muscle than modern European men,” and that with training, would have been able to beat the 1970s version of Arnold Schwarzenegger in arm-wrestling. Which, of course, raises the obvious question: has science run out of things to study?

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