A smart MLS club will finally hire Richie Williams

Tired-ass, overly sauced Chinese food vs. Thai food. High-five the Thai, every time. The best Bond? Sean Connery. I mean, c’mon.

Stack of GQs vs. vampire lit? Well, vampire lit of course – if you’re a 13-year-old girl.

Best Spice Girl? Yeah, you got it. That was a trick question, ‘course. There wasn’t one.

Seriously, some things really are simple, as long as you don’t over-think and over-analyze. There really are some no-brainers in life.

So it is with Richie Williams. At least in my book. And the suits at Red Bull would do well to see it this way.

This guy turned around an absolute mess at Giants Stadium, inheriting a steaming pile of bollix (as some of my British pals might say) and somehow turning up a respectable side. Who created such a cesspool? Well, that would be Juan Carlos Osorio, the latest in the parade of (mostly) foreign and (generally) high-profile names and flavors of the moment who have come and gone at the league’s flagship of under-achievement.

Red Bull finished with a 3-3-2 mark under Williams, punctuating the season by clobbering Toronto 5-0.

So his record in two turns as the chief Red Bull is 6-6-4. (Odd, his record as interim manager before was exactly the same, 3-3-2.)

If a .500 mark doesn’t exactly jingle your keys, consider the list of previous managers at this wandering, dreadful club who couldn’t even climb that high: Eddie Firmani, Carlos Queiroz, Carlos Alberto Parreira, Bora Milutinovic and Osorio. Milutinovic and Osorio finished WAY down below .500.

Bob Bradley just managed to claw his way above .500 (by one little win). Meanwhile, Bruce Arena finished dead on the number at .500.

Mo Johnston was also one game above .500, but only barely so and with twice as many draws as wins. Suffice to say, Sir Alex Ferguson doesn’t have much to worry about in terms of his place on the list of histories top coaches.

So, it looks to me as if Williams has proven himself worthy of a chance. Will he get it? That’s up to a bunch of people who have proven time and again they don’t understand how soccer operates in the States. While the higher-ups at Red Bull have bequeathed us with a wondrous new facility in Red Bull Arena, I have little faith in their ability to make the best choice here. They’ll probably want a little more pop, ping and pizzazz when they announce the new team shepherd, as Williams probably doesn’t carry the requisite PR heft to satisfy the Red Bull deciders.

But that’s OK in this case, because the result is that Williams will probably be rescued from Red Bull Island and ferried off to a better place.

D.C. United needs a manager, as Tom Soehn has elected not to pursue a new deal at RFK. Kansas City needs a manager, as Peter Vermes seems likely to reclaim his technical director’s chair (a far safer place to be) and hire someone else to lay out the cones at daily training. Toronto FC needs a manager, although Williams may be too smart to work under what appears to be a dysfunctional management structure at BMO Field. Rumblings continue to waft out of Home Depot Center that Preki is unhappy or that Chivas USA is unhappy. Either way, it sounds like unhappiness is raging like nudity at one of Hef’s parties.

And while I doubt Robert Warzycha is going to lose his job after one year in charge at Columbus, I’ll say this: If he keeps Guillermo Barros Schelotto on the bench again tonight, and the Crew goes down, he’ll be lucky to have a job by this time tomorrow.

Or maybe one of the new Pacific Northwest franchises gets smart and scoops him up while prepping for MLS landing in 2011.

Long story short, I think Williams will finally get his chance in MLS. My best guess: he’ll land at RFK, where he spent the better part of his playing career. Every manager hired so far at D.C. United had history in American soccer, so they’ve long since gotten past the puppy love of the foreign soccer CV. And the last two managers hired were former MLS players, just like Williams.