Sports Meme Power Rankings: Your Quinquennial Savior Has Arrived

1. HOLDING ON: TIGER WOODS, MACHINE MADE FOR PLEASURE. It’s not even proper to call them mistresses anymore, since having a mistress is a stylish thing with serious responsibilities. Take Ted Turner. For decades Ted has had mistresses, and knows how to properly stable them and make them feel like the prize fillies they are, showering them with gifts, scheduling their appointments with care, and otherwise conducting himself properly in the matter. They were relationships, dammit. There was candlelight, delicious dinners of buffalo steak, and luxurious waxings of Turner’s mustache. Ted never texted his mistresses with a hurried “Wanna get laid?” He called them and asked, and then picked them up in his personal blimp, because Ted Turner is insane and probably does in fact own a personal blimp.

The count stands at 14 this week for “the number of women Tiger Woods slept with who should not really be called mistresses, since all Woods was doing was attempting to pole-vault around the world member-first, and not really being the classy dude who has mistresses and limos and soft music playing in the background. His wife is divorcing him. Accenture dumped him as a client, an irony since Accenture is essentially an overgrown accounting firm, and Tiger seems to have kept an impressive and accurate account of his own strokes. Oh, and he’s taking an indefinite leave from golf just to destroy not only his family’s life, but his de facto employer’s as well.