How Manny Can Gain Dodger Forgiveness

According to Dylan Hernandez of the Los Angeles Times, Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is furious with Manny Ramirez. McCourt and Manny finally spoke last Saturday, with the owner apparently requesting the slugger to speak with his teammates in some sort of a formal apology.
↵
↵Earlier this week, Spencer Hall offered Manny some tips to help him through this trying time. But what about executing the perfect apology? As a man who makes (too) many mistakes, I’m well-versed in the intimate mea culpa. Some tips for you, Manny.
↵
↵1. Set the mood with flattery. “Say, Coach Torre, have you lost weight? Fly suit, Juan!” Humans are incredibly sensitive beings. You can really throw someone off a warpath of anger with a well-timed compliment.
↵
↵2. Bring food. The easiest way to a man’s heart is through his ... well, intimate parts. Assuming that’s out of the question in the clubhouse, the stomach will work. Andre Ethier and Rafeal Furcal don’t have time to chase down the Koji BBQ truck. Manny has hours to kill now. Get to it!
↵
↵3. Depricate thyself. Start off with a pregnancy joke -- maybe tie in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s seminal role in Junior; people love pop culture references. Don’t be too wary to give a partial admission of malfeasance. President Bush worked wonders for his image when he joked about not being to find weapons of mass destruction!
↵
↵4. Cry. No ballplayer can be mad at a man who is comfortable enough in his own skin to shed a few public tears. Well, at least now that Jeff Kent is gone.
↵
↵5. Act completely unhinged. It worked for Starbury, after all.↵