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Report: Everyone, Ever, on Steroids

May 14, 2009, 3:35 PM UTC

A-Rod, Manny ... move over. The latest round of steroid allegations may prove to be the most shocking yet. Yet unsubstantiated rumors are spreading like wildfire through the sports world today that detailed eyewitness accounts are soon to be released by a top secret government panel proving beyond the shadow of a doubt that just about everyone who ever competed in, broadcasted or wrote about professional or amateur athletics in the history of the world has been hopelessly addicted to steroids.â†µâ†µThe names at the top of the list are some of the most cherished in America’s sporting past: Babe Ruth, Jack Dempsey, Red Grange, Althea Gibson, George Mikan, Mary Lou Retton, Don Dunphy, Ben Hogan, Rafer Johnson, Babe Didrikson, Babe Didrikson Zaharias, Lefty Grove, George Halas, Rowdy Gaines, Grantland Rice, Johnny Weissmuller, and the entire 1980 Olympic ice hockey team, just to name a few.â†µ

â†µâ†µEven the great horse, Seabiscuit, commemorated in verse and song and film, evidently was completely wacked out of his mane on the ‘roids.â†µ

â†µâ†µ“Seabiscuit was a stone cold ‘roid junkie,” said one inside source. “When we found that out, most of us wept bitter tears. It turns out, they should have called that movie ‘Roidbiscuit.’”â†µ

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â†µOther under suspicion include Bobby Jones, Gale Sayers, Johnny Unitas, The Boston Celtics (all of them, ever), Jack Buck, Joe Buck, JoJo Starbuck, Alberto Salazar, Leon Spinks, Gorgeous George, Teddy Roosevelt, The Steel Curtain, The Purple People Eaters, The Fearsome Foursome, The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse, The Fun Bunch, The Not That Fun Bunch, The No-Name Defense, and Helen Wills.â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd as if all those names weren’t enough, word is that the list will not stop at the world of sports. Politicians, scientists, courtesans, dictators, media analysts, and even entire nations are going to be accused of using performance-enhancing drugs. â†µ

â†µâ†µ“Genghis Khan was on the ‘roids,” our source told us. “Jeb Stuart too. Linus Pauling? Not Vitamin C. Vitamin ‘Roid.”â†µ

â†µâ†µAlso, everyone who has ever served as President of the United States was a slack-jawed drooling ‘roid freak, and that includes Barack Obama, who is still using ‘roids. Michelle Obama is also desperately strung out on ‘roids, and Sarah Palin, too. Lenin, Trotsky, Napoleon, Cleopatra . Tina Fey even.â†µ

â†µâ†µMore on this breaking story as it develops.â†µ

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This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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