Welcome To The Comedy Central, Where The Cubs Are In First Place

↵↵First, the raw data: Cubs 5, Reds 2. Also, Phillies 9, Cardinals 2. By themselves, they’re mere statistical noise, the July results that never determine anything of merit. Together, though, they’re another sign of the apocalypse.↵

↵↵Yes, with the win, the Chicago Cubs have moved into first place in the NL Central. Their 51-45 record outpaces the Cardinals’ 53-48 by half a game. By absolutely no account should the Cubs be in first place in any division. As a matter of fact, at 51-45, they would lead no division in the majors other than the Comedy Central; in the NL West, they’d be tied with the Giants and 10 games back of the Dodgers.↵

↵↵The Cubs outpace the Redbirds despite underwhelming seasons from, based on a reasonable assessment of expectations, all but two or three of their nine highest-paid players (salaries per USA Today):↵

↵↵1. Carlos Zambrano, $18.75 million: 7-4, 3.48 ERA, 1.35 WHIP, 18 days on DL
↵2. Alfonso Soriano, $17 million: .253, 17 HR, 41 RBI, .760 OPS, 0 days on DL
↵3. Aramis Ramirez, $16.65 million: .311, 7 HR, 25 RBI, .950 OPS, 58 days on DL
↵4. Derrek Lee, $13.25 million: .285, 19 HR, 63 RBI, .881 OPS, 0 days on DL
↵5. Ted Lilly, $13 million: 9-7, 3.59 ERA, 1.15 WHIP, 2 days on DL and counting
↵6. Kosuke Fukudome, $12.5 million: .266, 7 HR, 31 RBI, .812 OPS, 0 days on DL
↵7. Ryan Dempster, $9 million: 5-5, 4.09 ERA, 1.37 WHIP, 20 days on DL and counting
↵8 (tie). Milton Bradley, $7 million: .248, 7 HR, 23 RBI, .767 OPS, 0 days on DL
↵8 (tie). Rich Harden, $7 million: 7-6, 4.55 ERA, 1.33 WHIP, 22 days on DL↵

↵↵That’s $114.15 million, more than the entire opening day payrolls of all but four teams, invested in nine players. Those nine combined for one All-Star bid (Lilly, a token reserve who was not one of the eight NL pitchers who got into the game) this year. None of them are among the league leaders in anything.↵

↵↵This is not to champion the Cubs as winning in spite of something or being “gamers” or whatever. They haven’t warranted any praise, and no serious observer of the team should claim otherwise. This is all to say the NL Central is a miserable gathering of teams, one that really ought to just forfeit its playoff bid.↵

↵↵Oh, who are we kidding? The last time the NL Central was laughably bad, in 2006, the Cardinals took the division at 83-78 ... and then promptly won the World Series. It’s all a crapshoot when the playoffs start.↵

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