This got lost in the shuffle on Monday, because let’s be honest, it was a Monday, and nobody can be expected to be hitting on all cylinders on a Monday morning. But buried in a report about last Sunday’s Blazers-Cavaliers matchup was this perfect little Lebron James anecdote from Ben at Blazersedge:
2. WARNING: Don’t Touch The Lebron, Kids
James mechanically drained his three pointers and then paused briefly as a ballboy went to retrieve a rare miss. Sensing an opportunity, one of the group reached out to James and patted him on the butt, not unlike teammates do countless times during every NBA game. Perhaps with a little more cupping action than usual but, nevertheless, an innocent gesture. The move bordered on the bizarre because it was clear the two had no prior relationship.
James wheeled, removing both his headphones instantly, clearly flummoxed that a stranger had grasped his buttocks. Upon seeing the culprit, who eyed the player with what can only be described as awe, James looked incredulous and indignant. With no other recourse available, James stopped his shooting routine, striding defiantly towards a group of his teammates that were standing near half court.
A string of profanities flew from his mouth as he relayed what had just happened to his teammates, who hadn’t seen it. To a man, they were equally shocked to hear of the occurrence. James continued his chest-puffing diatribe, occasionally looking back at the group of teenagers. The young men were pretending to gaze out in a different direction, pretending to be invisible. While James’s teammates assured him that the kid surely didn’t mean any harm and that he was probably just wishing the player well, James continued to shake his head, failing to comprehend that someone he didn’t know, someone outside his circle, someone so clearly unimportant, would have the gall to touch him. Him.
See? This is why the internet is great. It promotes transparency, even from someone like Lebron James, as closely guarded and carefully packaged as anyone in the universe. When you consider the amount of time and care that James and his representatives put into crafting his public persona, it makes Lady Gaga look authentic.
Yep, that’s a hat made of hair. Pictures of Lady Gaga: another reason the internet is such a wonderful place.
But Lebron’s worse than her. Because while Lady Gaga consciously conjures the image of someone from space, she’s at least making an effort to be something unique. Lebron, on the other hand, seems to act like he’s someone from space, but doggedly markets himself as “down to earth” and “normal,” in the tradition of Michael Jordan.
The difference? Michael Jordan didn’t exist against the backdrop of the internet. Instead of blogs that tracked his every move, Jordan had a cadre of beat writers, all of whom he could control and censor, simply because the access he gave them would make or break their careers. A Chicago-based writer that didn’t have Michael Jordan’s ear might as well have just quit on the spot. Tiger Woods used the same strategy with golf writers. If you wrote about golf the past ten years but couldn’t talk to Tiger Woods, why even bother?
What’s that mean? Golf writers had to be careful not to piss off Tiger.
James, on the other hand, doesn’t have that luxury. Someone like Brian Windhorst is in the minority. The Cavaliers beat writer for the Cleveland Plain-Dealer, he’s probably the foremost resource on Lebron James, but because he depends on Lebron for daily quotes and insight, I’m sure there are tons of revelatory anecdotes that he can’t report. For his loyal lack of candor, maybe he’ll get to co-author Lebron’s autobiography someday.
But for every Windhorst, there are hundreds of others with no such constraints. It’s awesome. Bloggers don’t care about access, and they greatly outnumber the posse of beat writers that James has walking on eggshells. Someone like Ben Golliver at our Blazers’ blog needn’t worry; he’ll never get to talk to Lebron. Neither will I. It’s why I can sit here and say openly that while Lebron James is the most breathtaking basketball player on the planet—and it’s not even close, really—he also seems like kind of a bad person.
Imagine if you were Lebron James in the above scenario. You’re warming up, going about your business, and you see a group of teenagers off to the side, fawning over your every move. A group of teenagers not unlike the posse so lovingly portrayed in the nationwide documentary you released this summer, chronicling the exploits of you and your best friends in high school. Just a couple of wide-eyed teenagers, in shock that they could be so close to this basketball superhero.
YOU are the superhero. Just by warming up, listening to music in your custom made Dr. Dre headphones, and quietly going about your business, you have made these teenagers’ day. Then, once you approach them, one of the kids reachs out to pat you on the butt—not unlike the pats every athlete receives at least 20 times-a-game from their teammates—and… what do you do next?
A normal person would turn and smirk at the kids, maybe laugh a little. It’s part of what makes being a basketball superhero so much fun. Just by letting some kid smack you on the ass, you give them a story that they’ll be talking about for the rest of the night, the rest of the week, and maybe the month. How awesome is that?
But Lebron James gets all huffy, takes off his headphones, and makes a huge deal out of it. “Incredulous and indignant … a string of profanities flew from his mouth as he relayed what had just happened to his teammates, who hadn’t seen it.” Fifteen years ago, writers wouldn’t have been able to write that sentence about the NBA’s biggest superstar, and we’d have never heard what happened. But because the guys at Blazersedge don’t really give a damn about Lebron, they can report what they saw.
The only thing missing is a quote from a brawny Lebron handler, scolding the playful teenagers:
“NOBODY touches The Lebron.”
And yeah, it’s a tiny moment. Lebron went on to dominate in the game that night, Shaq kissed a C-list celebrity, and it was another great show for the NBA on as Lebron, Shaq, and the Cavs starred once more on National TV. James even wore two different-colored shoes, because he’s so much fun. This is what he wants you to think. It’s what the NBA wants you to think. And indeed, it’s probably what you think.
But little moments in shootaround tell us a whole lot more about a person’s character than what he does on national TV. So which is it, Lebron? Is it playfully grabbing some kid’s french fries, or “incredulous, indignant, and profane?” Depends on who’s watching, I suspect.
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