The ESPN Body Issue cuts both ways for the thoughtful reader. Naked athletes do tend to be very attractive, especially the United States Women’s Water Polo team, and this makes your interest in the magazine just a tad pervy. BTW, it’s virtually impossible to watch water polo with underwater camera angles without feeling slightly pervy, so you’re doomed even if you start watching it to validate your sudden interest in women’s water polo. (Just play it, and discover that water polo is just aquatic assault with a hint of drowning, and soon the eroticism will be long gone.)
ESPN Body Issue: Steve Holcomb Reps The ThickBros
It also does give you a chance to see just what mutants athletes really are. Peruse the images. You’ll see that Patrick Willis is so dense his back qualifies as a neutron star. You’ll see that Herschel Walker at 40 resembles your most toned body part ever at 20, but unlike you it’s all over his body, and that he may have multiple personalities just to manage all his muscle mass. You’ll see that the women’s water polo team, in addition to being quite attractive, could each power clean a good sized man with ease.
The most affirming of all of them, though, for the average bro?
Gold medalist bobsledder Steve Holcomb, you’re repping for all the burly bros out there. You’re so titanic they had to shoot you against mountains just to get some proper balance for your figure. Abs? Pfft. A six-pack doesn’t start to move an eight-hundred pound bobsled. You need a keg to fuel a bobsled party, and Steve’s got one that will do the trick. There was a caribou in the shot, but Steve picked it up and threw it out of the shot because it kept staring in awe at his naked form, since even the mute beasts of nature recognize true power when they see it. The next porterhouse is on us, dude, for repping all the thick bros of the world properly.
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