Today, a letter arrived at the SB Nation office. It was mailed from Edson, Kansas, population approximately 30, and it was addressed as follows:
Edson, Kansas Submits An Olympic Bid
PRESIDENT/KING OF OLYMPICS
SECRET!!!
As you can see, there was no actual address written on the envelope, and we can only assume that an indifferent mailman arbitrarily tossed it into our mailbox. It’s an official bid to host the Olympics in 2018, and it appears to have been meant for the chairman of the International Olympic Committee. It’s so dang heartwarming that we have decided to violate federal law by posting it below. Enjoy!
Dear Ma’am/Sir,
Thank you for reading this letter. I know you’re busy choosing the site of the 2018 Summer Olympics, and I figure, heck, why not bring Edson, Kansas to your attention? While it’s true that we can’t claim a high school or swimming pool like those knuckleheads down the road in Goodland, I think we have a lot to offer!
Edsonians are down-to-earth, hard-working folks who are ready and able to make any preparations necessary. Need a soccer field? We’ll get a head start on the bleachers! Mr. Howard has plenty of lumber in his shed that he was going to use to make a new shed, but never got around to it. The problem with that is that, obviously, it’s all still in the old shed, where the roof leaks. However, Mr. Howard has assured me that if the lumber’s rotted out, if all else fails, he can go pick up some more lumber from those bozos in Goodland.
We’d love to host Michael Phelps and all the other great Olympian swimmers! Unfortunately, we do not have a swimming pool. Could they do some sort of run-swim competition where they run a race but still have to move their arms like they’re swimming? If not, there is a lake a few miles outside of town, but Mr. Howard’s truck is kind of in the middle of it. It was a laketruck accident.
I know that Edson isn’t exactly the Media Capital of Northwestern Kansas (the dingbats in Goodland already have that on their sign), but we are more than able to handle all communication needs. Mr. Howard is a real maestro with the ham radio, and to boot, my family has a IBM-compatible computer, complete with a V.G.A. monitor and a C.D.R.O.M. that is capable of dialing into the Internet. Hey, maybe y’all can even help us figure the dang thing out (the wifey calls it the “Personal Confuser”)!
As an Olympic city, it would be important for us to celebrate diversity. And do we ever! In 1997, an African-American gentleman stopped in town after getting wrong directions. We gave him a bouquet of flowers!
Gymnastics? Say no more! We have a jungle gym. Mr. Howard wrote “BOOGERRRRRS” in big letters on the side when he was a kid, but he is an adult now and he won’t do it anymore. Plus, a lot of Olympic folks probably speak other languages and don’t even know what “boogers” means.
Sorry for the foul language! Thanks and God Bless!
- Randy Howell
Mayor of Edson
Editor-in-chief, Edson Examiner
Photo editor, Edson Examiner
Sports reporter, Edson Examiner
Blogger, Edson Ensider
Treasurer, Edson
Assistant librarian, Edson
Head coach, Edson Catwolfs
P.S. I have been made aware that the nimrods down the road in Goodland have also submitted an Olympic bid. While it’s true that the Goodland Cowboys have a soccer field, everyone in Goodland is a jerk. Mr. Howard once attempted to change the Goodland sign to “Badland,” but he fell off the ladder and broke his sternum. Also he cannot spell very well, so the sign now reads, “Brafk.” You’ll know it when you see it. Do not go there.
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