English Premier League Fixtures, Previews, Picks: And The Club Game Comes To Restore Sanity To Our World

For everybody outside of Russia and Qatar, Thursday had to be a trying day, whether you were vexed with confusion or made sullen by disappointment. As a means of moving on, consider FIFA’s announcements a foil for the coming English Premier League action - a characterization which will help illuminate the virtues of this weekend’s fixtures. In this case, Thursday’s hullabaloo foils not only the Premier League but club football in general, with its unwavering presence, dependable quality, and quick turnaround. Your disappointments have a chance to be erased within days.

It’s your favorite comforter, just back from the cleaners. The overbearing stress of the nationalism that periodically consumes our sport? That’s the work day from which we come home, disillusioned into dependence on 30 Rock, Chicago-style pizza, The Daily Show before bed, and our comforter. After the weight of Thursday’s news pressing against my frontal lobe since mid-morning, give me that comforter. Give me my club football.

And that’s what the World Cup announcements have done to me. Metaphors paralleling football and blankets. It’s as if I was Alexander DeLarge being lubed with eye drops, but instead of having the violence brainwashed out of me, I’m starting to think of my football the same way my ex-girlfriends saw Sex and The City or Desperate Housewives*. But oh, this Arsenal-Fulham match. Chelsea and Everton. Manchester United at Blackpool. For you, I’ll play Carrie Bradshaw. At least, after what I went through on Thursday.

* - My college roommate and I bet a six pack of Mickey’s grenades that I couldn’t force three television show references and a Posnanski digression into the first three paragraphs. That’s four television shows, Jason. Chug.

Amongst the other title contenders in England, Tottenham Hotspur is at St. Andrews to face a Birmingham City side flying from a derby win, though it’s the other title contender, Manchester City, who have the toughest match of the English Premier League’s 16th match day. City is back at Eastlands after visiting the Britannia last weekend, but hosting Premier League darlings Bolton - quickly clinching the league’s congeniality award - the Citizens will have their own chance to play a foil.

That’s this weekend’s most watchable match, and as we do each Friday here at SB Nation Soccer, we confirm with undeniable evidence proving which matches are going to be worth your time. How do we confirm this? An ordered list. Bold type. Authoritative collection of easily obtained facts.

Short, declarative sentences.

Here are the ten matches for your English Premier League weekend, sorted from least to most watchable. We take into account style, significance, talent, and bribes. Oh, wait - can’t joke about bribes today.

#10. Blackburn Rovers versus Wolverhampton Wanderers, Ewood Park (Blackburn), Saturday, 10:00 a.m. Eastern - Wolves are coming off that great comeback against Sunderland, but at their core they’re still a relegation embattled side going to Ewood Park, playing a team not only capable of but determined to take the air out of the ball. I see Wolves fouls. I see set piece execution. I see … little open play magic.

#9. Wigan Athletic versus Stoke City, DW Stadium (Wigan), Saturday, 10:00 a.m. Eastern - Stoke sit eighth and have an impressive even goal difference, hinting at some permanence in the top half. One test of their staying power is their ability to get results at inferior competition. Wigan, having lost decisively at West Ham last week, is as inferior as they come, but still only two points from safety, the Latics are beneficiaries of Fulham’s draw obsession. Too bad Hugo Rodallega, suspended, isn’t available to take advantage of a clod-stopping back line.

#8. Sunderland versus West Ham United, Stadium of Light (Sunderland), Sunday, 11:00 a.m. Eastern - Sunderland’s first experiment in a Michael Turner-Titus Bramble-free world did not work out well, giving up three goals at The Molineux, having come into the match giving up just over one per match. West Ham has the second-worst attack in the league (14 in 15), but with Frederic Piquionne and Carlton Cole able to test that central defense, there are other teams Sunderland may want to see right now. The Black Cats counter could lie in their midfield. Strong play from Lee Cattermole and Jordan Henderson in the middle. Kieran Richardson and - oh, Boudewijn Zenden. His playing above Phil Bardsley on the attack’s right may give West Ham a way to serve Piquionne. Sunderland may be in for another shootout.

#7. Birmingham City versus Tottenham Hotspur, St. Andrews Stadium (Birmingham), Saturday, 10:00 a.m. Eastern - Consider how much credit I’m giving Gareth Bale in this match. Birmingham’s the second worst team to watch in the league. I say it every week, but only Blackburn can turn a match from a Harry Potter movie to Twilight quicker than Brum. Spurs are usually one of the most entertaining teams in the league, but without Rafael van der Vaart or a fully healthy Jermain Defoe (he still seems to have a bit of a limp to him), the only thing keeping this match from begin Blackburn-Wolves is Spurs’ title contention and Gareth Bale. Not that those are independent things.

#6. West Bromwich Albion versus Newcastle United, The Hawthorns (West Bromwich), Sunday, 8:30 a.m. Eastern - Are West Brom back to their early season form? I’m unconvinced. Two goals from dead balls and a Mikel Arteta dismissal guided them to a 4-1 win at Goodison. It wasn’t a true 4-1. That said, the Baggies won this fixture 4-2 in January, and with Newcastle still without suspended center halves Fabricio Coloccini and Mike Williamson, Peter Odemwingie will have a chance to regain his pre-injury form. For the Baggies, Youssouf Mulumbu will be out, suspended.

#5. Arsenal versus Fulham, Emirates Stadium (London), Saturday, 10:00 a.m. Eastern - Arsenal certainly looked back last weekend at Villa Park, and a visit from a non-threatening Cottager side should provide another chance to find their non-Fabregas rhythm. There’s nothing to recommend Fulham in this one save the inherent variability of sport. The Cottagers have a league-low two wins, and their nine draws in 15 matches hints their upside if finding a single point. Three losses at home for Arsenal gives Mark Hughes reason for hope, but I’m pretty sure that guy’s wildest fantasies are still colored in ties.

#4. Liverpool versus Aston Villa, Anfield Park (Liverpool), Monday, 3:00 p.m. Eastern - Villa has four points away from home all season, scoring only five in seven outside Villa Park. Liverpool’s allowing less than a goal a match at Anfield, and while this will be their first league match since Jamie Carragher went down, Soritis Kyrgiakos is capable. If not him, then Martin Kelly. My point is that Villa’s not catching any breaks with Carragher’s injury. In fact, with Gabriel Agbonlahor’s return to health, Carragher’s presence would have given Villa a good chance to go up a man. Not that the Kyrgiakos-Martin Skrtel pairing are particularly fleet of foot.

#3. Chelsea versus Everton, Stamford Bridge (London), Saturday, 10:00 a.m. Eastern - The Toffees took four points from Chelsea last season, scoring three on them at Stamford Bridge while exposing the first chink in the Blues’ armor. This year, those chinks have already been exposed, though the return of Michael Essien (from suspension) helps address the biggest problem: their midfield. John Terry is also expected to be back, shoring up a defense that was mistake prone in his absence. For Everton, Mikel Arteta begins a three match suspension the same day Marouane Fellaini returns from his. In this match, the Toffees may find Fellaini more useful.

#2. Blackpool versus Manchester United, Bloomfield Road (Blackpool), Saturday, 12:30 p.m. Eastern - With two wins in a row and first place in their grasp, Manchester United seems to be hitting their stride ahead of December’s mid-month matches with Arsenal and Chelsea. Alex Ferguson won’t want to engender any doubts in his players at this point. Expect a decent team to take the pitch at Bloomfield Road on Saturday, and against a Tangerines team who saw both their goals at the Reebok come from corner kicks, expect a good result. Bold prediction of the week: Wayne Rooney scores from open play.

#1. Manchester City versus Bolton Wanderers, City of Manchester Stadium (Manchester), Saturday, 10:00 a.m. Eastern - A meeting between the league’s fourth and sixth place teams, Manchester City versus Bolton is more than just the most important match of the weekend. The contrast in playing styles, coaching philosophies, and squad make-up highlight everything people love about Bolton, have qualms with about Manchester City. City overspend, don’t play good football, and have a coach content to grind out results. Bolton has modest resources, a determination to play an attractive brand of football, and are playing with ambition. I would call this Luke Skywalker visiting Darth Vader, but let’s face it: Luke Skywalker was annoying.

Stick with SB Nation all weekend as we provide coverage and analysis of all the Premier League fixtures. In the mean time, something to scoff at in the comments:

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