Dance For Your Medals, Baby

I would normally dismiss this AP article with a bunch of pole dancing champs—seriously—claiming that their sport-type activity is destined for Olympic recognition as incredibly silly and not worth a second thought. However, I just spent three days watching ice dancing promos featuring Lady Gaga on NBC that technically did not but definitely should have ended with “IF YOU WATCH THIS, YOU WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE IN YOUR SPECIAL PLACE.” In that light, it actually seems like a reasonable possibility. Ratings, baby.

Even so…

⇥⇥“There will be a day when the Olympics see pole dancing as a sport,” she said. “The Olympic community needs to acknowledge the number of people doing pole fitness now. We’re shooting for 2012.”⇥⇥

…“bwa ha ha” is about the only thing that comes to mind when anyone is quoted in this article.

The first hurdle the definitely-not-strippers have to clear is to get pole dancing classified as a sport, where they will join the hallowed ranks of things like “floorball“ and ”bandy.” I know the latter is a bizarre mix of hockey and soccer only because a friend’s relative is on the USA national team. Floorball turns out to be a bizarre mix of hockey and indoor soccer.Though it’s impossible to frame pole dancing as a bizarre form of hockey, bandy does have an event called a “stroke-off,” though. That can only help the pole dancers in their quest. This could happen!

⇥⇥“I actually see a lot of similarities in what pole dancing is now for women with what skateboarding used to be for men back in the day. Pole dancing is definitely on its way to becoming a mainstream sport.”⇥⇥

Sorry, now we’re back to “bwa ha ha.” Especially because that quote comes from Iina Laatikainen, “one of Finland’s top pole teachers,” a woman who seems like she would be nice to date until you said the wrong thing and she snapped your head off with her thighs. It’s at this point that the article takes a turn to the philosophical:

⇥⇥After all, would it really be the same without stilettos, a boozy audience and a red-tinted spotlight?⇥⇥

No, Associated Press, no it would not. The first time a 14-year old from a former Eastern Block country takes to the pole, the sexiness will be gone forever, replaced only by a shame so deep-seated that a world like that in Children of Men is inevitable. No, we must not put pole dancing in the Olympics. Instead we will develop ever more bizarre mashups of hockey. Hockey plus poker! Hockey plus the Westminster Dog Show! Hockey plus chemotherapy!

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