General

“Touch My Baby, Paul Johnson”: A Play In One Act

Mar 12, 2010, 10:00 PM UTC

â†µGeorgia Tech, in keeping with the times, has an activity where theâ†µplayers walk from some location near the stadium to a location insideâ†µthe stadium along a path where fans can cluster and shoutâ†µencouragements or, depending on how things are going, questions aboutâ†µthat holding penalty against Clemson. â†µ

â†µâ†µSince this is Georgia Tech, attendees are 1) sparse and 2) nerdy. Iâ†µsay this with all affection for nerds. I am in your number. Sometimesâ†µthey have babies, and sometimes they think head coach Paul Johnson is George Lucasâ†µor something:â†µ

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â†µâ†µPresenting...â†µPaul Johnson’s Internal Monologue On September 26th, 2009

â†µâ†µOh no. Not again.â†µ

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â†µâ†µOh God. I can see him from here. Is that the same baby? Is it aâ†µdifferent baby? It’s a different baby. I swear to God it is. This isâ†µlike the third one so far. This guy has either manufactured a baby fromâ†µscrap iron and old 486 motherboards or stolen one. Or has a harem.â†µâ†µ

â†µâ†µThis is Georgia Tech. Definitely not a harem. â†µ

â†µâ†µProbably the first one, the one with the spare chips. I didn’tâ†µeven know what a motherboard was before I got here. I thought it wasâ†µthat thing everyone was outraged at George Bush about. â†µ

â†µâ†µOh God. I keep walking closer. Are my players highâ†µfiving the baby?â†µ

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â†µâ†µHoly God. My players are high-fiving the baby. This is bad. Thisâ†µchanges the dynamic. The idea of physical contact has been broached.â†µâ†µ

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â†µDoesn't this guy have a restraining order? Can't I... recruiting.â†µDammit. "Paul Johnson tosses baby to the ground" in USA Today.â†µParagraph where they mention it was a nefarious robot is on page 17.â†µâ†µ

â†µâ†µI haven’t even done anything. Sure, I did pretty well last year.â†µI’m not Chan Gailey. If Reggie Ball was my quarterback he’d throw itâ†µfour times a game. All of these things are laudable character traits.â†µBut isn’t it a bit early to be handing out benedictions? Urban Meyer,â†µsure, that guy has to touch babies all the time, I bet. I’m just anâ†µabove-average coach in the ACC. Wake Forest has one of those!â†µ

â†µâ†µOkay, okay. Suck it up.â†µ

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