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Turner Gill: Emphatically Not Mark Mangino

Mar 17, 2010, 9:15 PM UTC

â†µIt's safe to say Kansas was looking for a change after it becameâ†µpublic knowledge that former head coach Mark Mangino spent most of his offseason thinkingâ†µup ever-more humiliating ways to address players who dropped balls inâ†µpractice.â†µ

â†µâ†µThey found that change in the personage of Turner Gill, aâ†µuniversally-liked former athlete who resembles a Yosemite Samâ†µversion of Violetâ†µBeauregarde post-fantastic-gum in no way whatsoever. The only way inâ†µwhich Gill could be further removed from Mangino is if he knew nothingâ†µabout football, which is probably a bad trait in a football coach. Inâ†µall other ways, he is not Mark Mangino.â†µ

â†µâ†µAnd now Turner Gill would like to emphaticallyâ†µemphasize this:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥“It probably doesn’t have to be this way,” Gill said in response to aâ†µâ‡¥question about how he selected his assistant coaches, “but I decidedâ†µâ‡¥that I was not going to hire anybody who was going to be cursing andâ†µâ‡¥using that type of language. We are here to develop these people asâ†µâ‡¥young men, so we don’t need to do that.”â†µâ‡¥

â†µâ†µâ†µGill is currently scouring local libraries for a linebackersâ†µcoach.â†µ

â†µ

â†µNo, seriously, Turner Gill is not Mark Mangino. He is going to tellâ†µyou this every five seconds until you start to secretly loathe him:â†µ

â†µâ†µâ‡¥â†µâ‡¥Gill told the crowd about a player he had at the University ofâ†µâ‡¥Buffalo who confided that he did not often tell his mom that he lovedâ†µâ‡¥her. So Gill set the player up on a schedule to call his mom at 2 p.m.â†µâ‡¥each Sunday. Not only that, Gill would check in with the motherâ†µâ‡¥occasionally to see if the calls were still coming.â†µâ‡¥

â†µâ†µâ†µIn two years, you will find yourself in church next to Turner Gill.â†µHe will breathe through his nose. It will whistle. You will screamâ†µ“breathe throughâ†µyour damn mouth,” and he will look at you. His eyes willâ†µcontain nothing but concern for your well-being and forgiveness. Youâ†µwill cry yourself to sleep for the next ten days until Gill comes to youâ†µin a dream and suggests you call your mom more often.â†µ

â†µâ†µReached for comment, Mangino swore several tiny dragons intoâ†µexistence during a minute-long rant that even R. Lee Ermey, then four thousandâ†µmiles away, was subconsciously terrified by.â†µ

â†µ

This post originally appeared on the Sporting Blog. For more, see The Sporting Blog Archives.

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