On Tuesday, Braves rookie Jason Heyward famously hit a home run in his first big-league plate appearance. In the following two games, however, he managed only one hit, offering irrefutable proof that Heyward is a complete bust who is destined to play out his career in obscurity. If he hits a home run Friday night, never mind; he is once again the next Willie McCovey. This flip-flopping may seem premature, but I feel it’s important to write history immediately, before all those jerks from the future get to do it.
Jason Heyward’s Middle Name Is A First For Humankind
↵Regardless, Heyward has managed to secure his name in history. Jason Heyward’s middle name is Adenolith. According Google, the closest thing we have to a compendium of human knowledge, Adenolith isn’t simply a rare name. It’s unprecedented. Go ahead, search for “adenolith -heyward” (all results for Adenolith without the name Heyward). Zero results. Search Facebook if you want. Nobody named Adenolith. Not only is Adenolith not a name, it’s apparently not even a thing. Phonetically it sounds like it could be a noun of some sort, but the only conclusion to draw at this point is that Heyward’s parents made it up because it sounded nice.
↵Then again, his parents, who are Dartmouth graduates, may have had something more sophisticated in mind. Consider this: Adenolith is an anagram for “Death Lion.” There’s your nickname, Mr. Heyward. Death Lion.
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