Improving local broadcasts in MLS

We should all get paid gigs as consultants. Talk about a full-of-crap profession. It’s right up there with art critics, ghost hunters, stock market analysts and, ahem, probably sports writers.

Consultants are empowered to observe and then announce, “Everything you do is wrong. I’ve never done it, but this is definitely how you should go about it.”

So I’m going to save MLS teams some major cash this morning. I’ll play Casey Consultant and thoughtfully bequeath five things every team can do to improve local broadcasts.

I watched all eight MLS weekend matches. So, selfishly, I need to get these off my chest. But seriously, these little tips will improve your broadcasts substantially. Believe me. I’m a consultant.

1. Get the damn lineup graphic right. Seriously, how hard is it to ask, “Which guy is playing left back and which guy is the center back?” The teams will gladly tell you. For soccer fans, this is real information. These producers and directors, cut from “traditional sports” stock, would bleed from the eyes if someone put up a baseball graphic with Derek Jeter at second base, but they don’t take soccer seriously enough to care about the same. Oh, and the next time I see a team playing a 4-5-1 after the lineup graphic showed a 4-4-2, I’m writing my Congressman.

3. The next time you directors get an urge for a long, static shot of someone, ask yourself this: is the ball rolling, or will it soon be? If the answer is “yes,” then heroically conquer your urge. I know you think it’s artistic. Somehow. But it ain’t. And you ain’t Martin Scorsese. So get over yourself and show the damn action on the field! Just follow the ball. It’s not rocket science.

3a. Replays. Sigh. See the item above. One broadcast nearly missed a goal this weekend. Announcer, hurriedly: “As we come back from replay, there’s a goal!” There is never an excuse for that. (Along those lines, my all-time favorite was a local announcer who screamed, “And out of nowhere there’s a goal!” He was too busy engaged in witty banter, apparently, to notice the buildup, the winger streaking down the touchline and the nice service into the box.)

4. Here’s another one for you play-by-play voices and analysts. Pronounce the names correctly. Look, everyone gets tongue-tied occasionally. That’s not what I’m talking about. I mean, get the damn names right! Find the PR person. Even the cheap-o teams have one; most employ two or three. They know the names. So ask them. Get the pronunciations correct. I’ll forgive you when you aren’t that familiar with Toronto, for instance, and you tell me that “forward” Dwayne De Rosario is playing in a "new position" this week at attacking midfielder. I’ll roll my eyes, but I’ll forgive you. But if you call him Dwayne Rosario, you suck at your job.

5. Stop talking. Seriously. You aren’t being paid by the word. Your witty banter … well, it isn’t. Witty that is. In one match this weekend, two goofballs were going back and forth about their anniversaries and their sons and daughters and such. Meanwhile, there were guys falling all over the place, getting fouled, taking cards – hell, throwing punches and loading Glocks for all these guys knew. All this “witty banter” was going on during a 1-0 match in the 88th minute for goodness sakes! Repeat after me, boys: “The game is the thing!” That’s why people are tuned in. This isn’t football or baseball where there is ample space to fill with needless chatter. Truly, if you can’t find enough to say about the players, sequences, choices, refereeing decisions and impact of certain actions on the field, then step aside honorably and let someone in the booth who understands the game – someone who comprehends the importance of the 88^th minute in a 1-0 match.