We’ve got good news and bad news, NFL fans.
Good News! ESPN’s Token Hardass Is Sticking Around For Three More Years
The good news is that Mark Schlereth's healthy and happy. Good for him. The bad news? He re-upped with ESPN for another three years, meaning we can look forward to another few years of anecdotes from the late-90s Broncos, and scathing rants against any player that dares to have fun playing football. From Schlereth's Twitter account:
Good news, bad news: Good news for those who like me, I agreed to a new 3-year deal at ESPN. Bad News for those who don't, I agreed to a new 3-year deal at ESPN.
See what did he did there? (slits wrists)
Nothing encapsulates his insufferable nature better than his exchange with Chad Ochocinco on Twitter last year. It was an isolated incident, but perfectly indicative of his perspective on literally every single debate involving the NFL. He’s like Cap Rooney-come-to-life.
“The average football fan just doesn’t understand. They can’t. They never will. Because, WHEN YOU’RE DOWN THERE IN THOSE TRENCHES...”
(tightens noose)
After Schlereth made fun of Chad Ochocinco for defending Plaxico Burress, they had a little back-and-forth before Schlereth unleashed what can only be called an honest-to-God NFL sermon:
Schlereth: "This game is the ultimate team game, it takes unity to win championships something I do know about. If you're willing to humble yourself for your team, you will be exalted.
In theory it sounds easy, in practice it's extremely hard. 53 that care more about each other than themselves can't lose.
Nothing would be better for me to see you grasp that concept and lead your team to greatness. I would be the captian(sic) of your bandwagon! I would lead the charge! The question is are you willing to make that kind of sacrifice?Have you ever loved the game and the men you play with so much that your willing to check yourself out of the hospital the morning after surgery and drive yourself to the stadium and line up with your team? See, I have and that's what give me authority to call out anyone who is putting themself (sic) above the team!
I wish you health, happiness, and success!
(guzzles Drano)
Did he really say Chad would be “exalted” if he humbled himself? He did, didn’t he?
Exalted by whom, you ask?
Well, either by God (unlikely... Schlereth’s Savior doesn’t like Touchdown celebrations), or, I guess, by Mark Schlereth, himself. After all, he once checked himself out of a hospital, giving himself the authority to call out anyone putting himself above the team. And by God, HE WILL USE THAT AUTHORITY FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS.
(wanders into oncoming traffic)
SPORTS!
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