Brilliant things said en route to U.S. - England

RUSTENBURG -- I’m upset with Steven Goff of the Washington Post. He went on about all the African wonders and all the animals we’d see on the long bus ride up to Rustenburg, which really is in the middle of nowhere. Well, two and a half hours later and Grahame Jones from the L.A. Times is the closest thing I’ve seen to an animal.

Goff slightly redeemed himself when he observed that during yesterday’s press England conference he got up close and personal with Fabio Capello’s trendy eyewear. "Man, those glasses cost more than my car."

The New York Daily News’ Filip Bondy muttered something about the glasses being worth enough to finance a splashy wedding. Not sure what’s on his mind.

The Washington Post’s Liz Clarke (if she’s not on the list of the Top 5 Nicest People in the World, then we need a new ranking body), observed that in another life, she’s going to start a fence company in South Africa. She’s got a point. Everything here has a fence around it. Or a wall. And here’s the thing, you can only jazz it up so much. No matter how much ornamentation it has, razor wire is still damn mean stuff.

On the road in from Johannesburg we passed a depressing little shanty town along an isolated stretch of the two-lane highway. I suggested that if the bus were going to break down on the late-night drive back, it would surely be here. One U.S. journo (I’ll spare the man’s reputation and not name him) said it’s no problem. "We’ll just go knock on the nearest door and ask if we can use their hi-speed wi-fi."

He did manage to regain some sense of decency and self-awareness by offering this: "When in doubt, always go for the culturally insensitive joke."

We all have noted how security at the stadiums doesn’t seem particularly fierce. Which is a tad unsettling. On the other hand, U.S. General Stanley McChrystal himself must have arranged security at the U.S. press conferences. I won’t go into too many details, because U.S. Soccer officials have asked us not to, and I’m happy to comply. I will say there was a pat down involved that really should have included some kind of tip. Said AOL Fanhouse’s Kevin Blackistone: "Man, my doctor doesn’t touch me that much."

Along the way the bus, arranged by U.S. Soccer (but paid for by the journalists), stopped for a pre-arranged ESPN-sponsored event. The food was great, and I don’t mean to seem unappreciative. But the very first order of business for any event put on by ESPN should be to make sure a TV is nearby. "South Korea is winning? Wow. Wish we could see that."

The New York Times Jere Longman told me I could keep his ticket from the 2006 World Cup final. (I had picked it up for him, but haven’t seen him since.) Let’s see, what is that eBay internet address?

OK. Enough of the fun stuff. There’s real business here. U.S-England kicks off in three hours and I have to find the coffee bar here. It really will be a long night. Enjoy the match.