The Top Of Adrian Beltre’s Head Is Serious Business

I’m not entirely sure how this escaped me for so long:

[Victor] Martinez and Beltre are friends, but in the home run celebration, Martinez touched the top of Beltre’s head -- and the third baseman said that’s something his fellow players know he absolutely hates. Beltre reacted immediately, lashing out at Martinez.

Fortunately, the handy thing about little quirks regarding one’s personal space is that they never come up just the once. They come up time and time again whenever the opportunity is presented, and Thursday night, Adrian Beltre made the mistake of looking at the field from the dugout after hitting a home run.

Beltre’s mistake is that he told his teammates that he doesn’t like to be touched. Telling a bunch of twenty- and thirty-something competitive males about something you don’t like is a surefire way to guarantee that that thing you don’t like happens over and over and over.

Ideal:

Beltre: I do not like for my head to be touched.
Red Sox: We respect your boundaries.

Sucky Life Which Sucks:
Beltre: I do not like for my head to be touched.
Red Sox: :touchy touchy touchy:

It’s basically like tickling. The more you don’t like to be tickled, the more you get tickled. When you really think about it, people are cruel. The people who tickle you, and the people who touch Beltre’s head, just do it for the reaction. They do it for a laugh at your expense, making you out as a joke monkey. You are better than a joke monkey. Adrian Beltre is better than a joke monkey.

Of course, this leads to the age-old question: do people who say they don’t like to be tickled really not like being tickled? Or do they advertise specifically because they secretly like the attention? I guess the only way to find out is to keep on tickling.

Either Adrian Beltre is privately having the time of his life in Boston, or Victor Martinez is going to wake up one of these days with a caved-in face.