The Argument Against Instant Replay, If Such A Thing Exists

An offside call was missed by referees during the Argentina-Mexico game, and for the second time on Sunday, a team has suffered from a bad call or non-call that could have been overturned had the refs consulted instant replay.

There are clearly people opposed to the idea of reviewable instant replay in sports, or else these things wouldn’t happen. What is their rationale? Well, I’m going to hate this, and you’re probably going to hate this, but I feel that it’s necessary. I’m going to try my very best to argue from the other side of the fence and present an argument against reviewable instant replay:

It’s important to preserve the purist nature of sports. While it may be true that the balls are synthetic, the games are played under giant 500-billion-watt lamps, and the pace of many games is influenced by television, if we allow our referees and umpires to look at a monitor and review the call, the game will have lost part of its soul. Sports have souls. They float around the field and s***. If electronics are used, it will hurt their feelings.

The Founding Fathers wished for a government of men, and not laws. (Is that right? Need to look it up.) Our sports should be governed accordingly. When presented with a decision with consequences that can ripple out for weeks, months, or years, a referee should make it within two seconds and from thirty feet away. I just think that this is really neat. Here is a chart supplementing my argument.

And reviewable replay slows down the game. Also, please abolish timeouts.

Most importantly, sports must remain fluid and organic. They must flow naturally, like the... um, circle of life. Also, it’s a, uh, slippery slope! If we allow reviewable instant replay, sports will become more and more technology-centric. Eventually be played by robots. In fact, the stadium of play will also be a robot. It will wait for people to attend a game, only to find that the stadium is the open mouth of a giant underground robot! It will eat them and the people will be dead or hurt.

I do not want people to die or be hurt. This concludes my argument. Apologies if any of my points are ill-conceived; I would correct them, but I don’t believe in using a backspace key.