Who Should Join Ron Artest At His Queensbridge Victory Parade?

Jun 28, 2010, 8:19 PM UTC

According to Ron Artest’s Twitter account, he’ll be hosting a parade in the coming weeks to celebrate his recent championship with the Los Angeles Lakers. In Queensbridge, obviously:

My queensbridge parade is on July 17th in my hood. U r invited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’m invited? Well, then. Obviously I’m going. But who else should join Ron on July 17?

Sadly, Nelson de la Rosa (Pedro’s sidekick, pictured above) passed away in 2006, so he won’t be available in Queensbridge next month. But that’s the direction this should go. Just completely surreal. And for that matter, we should probably include Pedro Martinez in the festivities. Put a top hat on the gheri curl, pass him a bottle of rum, and let the fireworks begin.

And screw it, he could even a bring a friend.

1. Manny Ramirez and Pedro Martinez

Manny and Pedro would lend a festive Latino flair to the proceedings, not to mention great hair. Manny’s currently with the Dodgers, so it wouldn’t be a stretch for him to take a few days to celebrate the success of his kindred spirit with the crosstown Lakers. And Pedro? Well, he’s definitely just chillin’ somewhere in the Dominican, drinking in the joys of his massively successful baseball career, waiting for some contender to pay him seven digits to dust off his arm for one more stretch run this October. For now, he’s partying, and he should be partying with Ron Artest.

2. Patrick Kane and the Stanley Cup

For the record, the Stanley Cup should be included at every parade possible, but what could be better than a parade in Queensbridge? Any Lakers victory parade would include the NBA’s Larry O’Brien Trophy; but this is a Ron Artest victory parade. That’s why we need the Stanley Cup. Many onlookers in Queensbridge will have no idea what the Stanley Cup signifies, but that’s why we’ll bring along the pre-pubescent, slurring drunk, hockey star to explain it to the neighborhood. Patrick Kane!

3. Craig Sager, And This Part’s Non-Negotiable

For further details, see here. But why do you need further details? Sager’s a natural for parade emcee. He regularly dresses as if he’s part of a parade ensemble, and he’d be a perfect token white guy for the day. It’s neither here nor there, but I’m pretty sure Craig Sager personifies every ghetto generalization about white people. Shameless, harmless, helpless... Slightly obtuse, maybe a little insane, but mostly just goofy. And way wealthier than he ever should have been.

Craig Sager? That’s a white guy, people.

4. Prince

You’re saying we DON’T need an iconic, androgynous, and flamboyant 21st century pop star to flank Ron Artest throughout his day in Queensbridge? I envision an outfit full of yellow feathers from head to toe, joining him Artest all day long, and finally, culminating with a performance of purple rain (while sitting on the shoulders of DJ Mbenga) at the parade’s conclusion. You’re saying we DON’T need that for this parade?

(Image via)

5. Nas, Lauryn Hill, Denzel Washington, Aziz Ansari, the entire cast and crew of HBO’s The Wire, Too Short, Pacman Jones, Manny Pacquiao, Will.I.Am, DJ Jazzy Jeff, DMX, Fedor Emelianenko, Pele, Eric Holder, Snoop Dogg, A black Elvis-impersonator, Patti Labelle, Tom Cruise, Bono, Jermaine Dupri, and more. All in celebration of the one, the only... Ron Artest.