What If Michael Bay Directed College Basketball’s 24-Hour Marathon?

The college basketball season is three months away, yes, but it’s never too early to get excited. Right? I mean, ESPN just rolled out its lineup for the opening day of the season, and it’s a full TWENTY-FOUR HOURS of basketball.

“Basketball that nobody really cares about?”

Well, sure I guess it doesn’t mea--

“Starring players that you definitely haven’t heard of yet?”

(sigh) Yeah, that too.

Okay, so maybe it is too early to get excited. Especially since the TWENTY-FOUR HOURS of hoops distracts us from what’s really kind of a mediocre schedule. Duke-Miami (Ohio) followed by Belmont-Tennessee followed by Nevada or Pacific at UCLA? Oh my gosh... IT’S A NEVERENDING PARTY.

But in looking at the schedule and rolling our eyes, we got to thinking. What if Michael Bay directed ESPN’s Third Annual College Hoops Kickoff Marathon? It sounds extreme, and yeah, we’ve been playing with the Michael Bayifier all day. But this could work! After the jump, enjoy some of college basketball’s “coming attractions.”

12 a.m. - Michael Bay Presents: Miami (Fla) at Memphis. Sure, Miami’s players have guns, but on November 16th, the Memphis Tigers have Home Court Advantage. They have BOMBS.

2 a.m. - Michael Bay presents: St. Johns at St. Mary’s. The arena’s rigged to blow and filled with fighter jets, but if these players stop playing, the terrorists might win. Will The Terrorists Win?

12 p.m. - Oral Roberts at Tulsa. This won’t be exciting at all, actually. The players will just have to watch all three hours of Pearl Harbor.

4 p.m. - Michael Bay Presents: Virginia Tech at Kansas State. They thought it was just another one those meaningless non-conference games that everyone forgets about by January. Then Frank Martin started Breathing Fire.

6 p.m. - Michael Bay Presents: Ohio State at Florida. The arena has a bomb problem, and the only solution is to call in More Fighter Jets.

6 p.m. - Michael Bay Presents: Baylor at Connecticut (women). What happens when you play a women’s basketball game with a ticking timebomb? You get... Catfight Chaos.

And amidst the wreckage, Baylor’s Kim Mulkey tears Shia Lebeouf’s head off.

7:30 p.m. - Michael Bay Presents: Miami (Ohio) at Duke. It was supposed to be a basketball game, but Miami (of Ohio) came with an EXPLOSIVE gameplan. Can Anyone Save The Blue Devils?

8 p.m. - Michael Bay Presents: Butler at Louisville. Don’t look now... but Matt Howard Is A F**king Terrorist.

9 p.m - Michael Bay Presents: Belmont at Tennessee. It’s a blowout one minute, and the next... Bruce Pearl Gets Shot. (Dramatization, of course).

11:30 p.m. ET Pacific or Nevada at UCLA. ... What will Michael Bay create for this one? Who knows, but if we know Michael Bay, you know it’ll be action-packed and possibly starring Shia LeBeouf. Want to learn his craft? Go ahead, try to replicate his genius. It’s the only way you can ever truly appreciate the nuance.

And coming soon to college basketball... More “excitement baby!” than Dick Vitale ever dreamed. Because there weren’t enough explosions in college basketball. And we needed more fighter jets.