1. UP LIKE THE BANK ACCOUNTS OF DR. JAMES ANDREWS: Stephen Strasburg Gets Acquainted With A Gentleman Named Tommy John. A late-breaking addition and bullet to the top of the Memes charts, the news that Stephen Strasburg will likely require reconstructive Tommy John surgery on his pitching arm is crushing not just to Nationals fans, but also to those who hate to watch beautiful young things crushed by random quirks of biomechanics and fickle tissue.
Sports Meme Power Rankings: Haters Gonna Hate, Or Why Rex Ryan Is Awesome
Spencer Hall’s Sports Meme Power Rankings list the top 10 most-discussed sports stories on the Internet and beyond each week. These are determined by a rigorous process that incorporates a complex formula involving none of your business.
Yes, I know that Memes is reserved mostly for baseball ignorance, but a moment of pause to appreciate the fragility of a power pitcher in his early prime, the one who effortlessly rockets pitches through hopelessly flailing bats and bruised air. Strasburg in the brief time he operated as an uninjured, unreconstructed agent of terror on the field was a thing of beauty even transcending my rule to never, ever pay attention to anything baseball-related again. He was, in motion, in execution, and in result, a thing of beauty now potentially spoiled forever by the most irritating and omnipresent of villains: weak, capricious human physiology.
The only upside to any of this is remembering yet again that Rob Dibble is an ass who is wrong about everything.
2. UP LIKE HAND OF SOMEONE REACHING FOR AN EASY TO PLACE WAKE-UP CALL: Jim Furyk Needs To Be Introduced To Certain Concepts. Like the wake-up call, aka the Drunkard’s Best Friend. Most hotels offer them, and they usually go like this. First, a phone call gently attempts to wake you. Then bees are piped under the door until hotel personnel hear prolonged screaming. Then, as a final measure, hotel security personnel enter the room with batons, tasers, and riot shields and begin administering them to the hotel guest until they are deemed properly awake.
Failing this, Furyk can just remember to charge his phone. But wake-up call’s always an option, and other golfers get them all the time. Colin Montgomerie gets them often, and look what a sunny disposition he has. Tiger Woods also gets them frequently, but we suspect he calls for them just to feel something, anything like joy these days.
3. UP LIKE THE OUTRAGE OF A THOUSAND EQUALLY FRAUDULENT SPECULATORS: The AP Top 25 Comes Out. In true traditional fashion the slightly altered reordering of last year’s final finish caused immense discussion in the college football community and beyond despite no one having a clue how young, mostly unpaid athletes on ever-changing rosters are going to function.
If you want to know how this trick works every year, let’s try this with breakfast cereals to show just how effective this is in generating discussion:
1. Honeycomb
2. Cheerios
3. Cinnamon Toast Crunch
4. Froot Loops
5. Cocoa Puffs
6. Lucky Charms
7. Golden Grahams
8. Raisin Nut Bran
9. Fruity Pebbles
10. ChocoCheerios
11. Cap’n Crunch
12. Life
13. Nutri-Grain
14. Weetabix
15. Rice Krispies
16. Special K
17. Ocean Treasures
18. Total
19. Trix
20. Alpha-Bits
21. Chex
22. Kix
23. Kashi Good Friends Flax Flakes
24. Grape Nuts
25. King Vitaman
This is a random list of cereals you can actually find on shelves written down as I remembered them. It has no merit whatsoever, and I just told you that, and yet you’re looking at it and asking questions. Who still eats Kix? Is Life the most slept-on classic cereal? Do Cheerios deserve the two spot? Which Chex are we stalking about at No. 21, since there’s no way you’re putting dry-ass Wheat Chex on there, right? Is there a clear bias here against fiber-heavy cereals? Is this an ageist stance? Where the hell did Wheaties go? IT’S THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS, MAN.
Now do this with something people really care about and throw in a smidge of data, and you’re playing right into two irresistible human impulses: subordinating and gambling. Get those two things on your side and one cannot lose in terms of getting people excited about something that even now is still a week from happening. By the way, Life is the most slept-on classic cereal, and this is not up for discussion. <-----Baiting people helps, too.
4. UP LIKE THE FINGERS OF A SIMILAR HERO STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN: Kyle Busch Is An Ass. At the Bristol night race, Brad Keselowski saw your heel-turn in front of the crowd, Kyle Busch, and raised you a Stone Cold Stunner.
Ah, if he'd only poured beer over his head before slamming a chair over Busch's head. It would have endeared him to the crowd and might have been the only way to keep Kyle Busch from winning all three races at Bristol, which he did. Remember: even preachers say you can call someone an ass, because it's in the Bible.
5. DOWN LIKE REX RYAN FALLING OFF A TREADMILL: HARD KNOCKS AS REPRESENTATIVE OBJECT FOR THE NFL PRESESON. I know that crusty coach Mike Westoff stole the show this week in Hard Knocks. I know he personally kicked cancer in the teeth, and then keyed cancer’s car, and then knocked down that nice martin house cancer built last summer. I know he did, for a single episode, steal the crown and scepter from reigning King of Profane Joy from Rex Ryan.
But Rex Ryan got on a treadmill during the episode and I was slain by the resemblance of Ryan, trucking along at four miles per hour, to the original Haters Gonna Hate guy.
Add in Ryan bellowing out "WE GOT FIVE STUDS LINED UP HERE" to the four other coaches and players on the treadmill, and you have enough sheer spectacle to keep Hard Knocks in the top ten. If Rex Ryan is available for personal appearances at my gym to sit next to me and say things like "THAT'S GOOD S#$%, HALL" and "WAY TO KNOCK OUT THOSE REPS ON THE THIGH SQUEEZIN' MACHINE," I will pay good money to make this happen.*
*And no, we don't use the adductor machine, and it is not responsible for our outstanding natural thigh development.
/sneaks off to use thigh adductor machine
6. HOLDING STEADY AT SIX IN AN ARBITRARY PLACEMENT DESIGNED TO SHOW NEAR-NEUTRALITY ABOUT THE SPORT AND ITS SEASON: The Sport of Baseball And Its Season. Why is the story of the righting of the Cougar Ace not a movie yet? Masculine overkill? Huge ships? Naval disasters? Men with tattoos who risk death for the glory of meeting a ridiculously difficult challenge? Merely reading this story will put blond Viking hair on your chest, and that chest hair will be bulletproof, and you can win free drinks when people doubt you at bars and you smile as bullets zing and pow off your kevlar man-pelt.*
*Try this! What could go wrong?
I read this for the first time two years ago and immediately thought about quitting life, becoming a salvage diver/ Ph.D in Manhood, and then doing this, but I’ve got this whole sinus thing that keeps me from SCUBA diving, and this fear of heights, water, and tight spaces, and my wife probably wouldn’t be all that cool with it since you know, we’re married and everything. The point is that this is far more interesting to read than anything I could say about baseball besides this: Rob Dibble is dumb, but still has real feelings, so when you meet him tell him this, but hug him at the same time. (Be sure to pet his dog “Entourage: The Television Show” while you’re at it.)
7. UP LIKE JERRY JONES’ LEVITATING CHEEKBONES: The NFL’s Most Valuable Franchises Are Revealed And They Do Not Rhyme With Macksonville. The Cowboys lead Forbes’ list of most valuable teams, meaning Jerry Jones will celebrate by blowing your year’s salary in a night of festivity, have the whole thing taped on the sly and end up on Sportscenter, and still wake up fifty thousand times wealthier than you’ll ever be. You may take comfort by being able to say you never soiled yourself by appearing on the show Entourage. That is a taint no man may erase with time, forgiveness, or money.
Jacksonville won the award for “most affordable franchise,” which is a nice way of saying they’re the least valuable franchise in all of professional football. Whatever, Forbes. It’s not like you’ll ever be able to put a price tag on being from the hometown of Fred Durst and Lynyrd Skynyrd. (However, the estimated value is $8.83 in 2010 dollars, in case you were curious.)
8. UP LIKE THE VOICES OF A CHOIR: THE CHAMPIOOOOOOONS. Champions League group draws also sorted themselves out this week, with my major disappointment in this entire process being the failure of Young Boys of Berne to qualify for this stage. This robs us all of so many quality headlines, most notably “[INSERT TEAM HERE] Pounds Young Boys.” Fortunately, Rubin Kazan did qualify so you may continue to cheer for the Champions League team whose name is most reminiscent of a dedicated but egocentric Hollywood agent. Rubin Kazan: HE’LL MAKE YOU A STAR, SON.
9. UP LIKE THE INTERESTED PENS OF NOTE-TAKING NCAA OFFICIALS: The Tarheels May Have Done Some “Consulting” In The Academics Department. Let’s just not put this in the nastiest terms, okay? Cheating is such a harsh word. In the white-collar world of the North Carolina Research Triangle, we try to embrace the latest terminology in order to properly synergize the cultural constructs of our schools and institutions with the current paradigm. Therefore, let’s not say cheating, and insist that the NCAA may be taking issue with a form of academic consulting work done by a tutor in coordination with football players at the University of North Carolina. Coming on the heels (GET IT) of the alleged consulting work done with Marvin Austin by an agent, it all seems much worse than it is. We’d comment further on the matter, but there is an ongoing investigation here.
(SBNation Campus Communications Crisis Consulting: Easy Rates, Easier Answers for the Tough Questions. Call me, Butch!)
10. UP LIKE THE STROKE RATES IN ATLANTA AND SALT LAKE CITY: Real Salt Lake And The Braves Collapse In Remarkable, Point-and-Laugh Fashion. Atlanta did blow a 10-run lead this week, and after careful mathematical work I have determined that this is akin to blowing a 720 point lead in football, a 75 goal differential in hockey, and only beating Western Kentucky in college football by 30 points. In less numerical terms: it’s really, really bad.
Real Salt Lake, playing Cruz Azul in the CONCACAF Champions League, lost a two goal lead late, collapsed in equally painful fashion, and ultimately watched their defense drown in a 4 goal torrent from Real Cruz in 19 minutes. There’s video of it, but you’ve been warned: its level of sheer FAILness may be contagious. If you’re jobless and homeless within hours of watching this, it’s your fault and yours alone.
SHOCKING OMISSIONS FROM THE MEMES THIS WEEK: No LeBron, no Favre, no bulls goring each other, and no shirtless Cowboy fans haunting your nightmares. Isn’t that nice?
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