Okay, so if nothing else, Jeff Passan’s latest Yahoo! column teaches us this:
Remember To Be Condescending When We Talk About Manny Ramirez
The easy-to-miss alcove that serves as Jesus "Zeus" Corporan’s makeshift barbershop is as antiseptic as the spray he uses to keep his combs clean: white, sterile walls, and zero hints that it’s in the bowels of a baseball stadium. For more than a decade now, Zeus has cut the hair of major leaguers at Progressive Field. One of his first clients was Manny Ramirez, then a star with the Cleveland Indians.
That’s right; the barber at Cleveland’s Progressive Field is named Jesus Zeus. The only way that could be cooler is if his last name was Mohammed. In fact, there’s still time for him to change it. (And yeah, I know “Zeus” is short for the pronunciation of his first name, “Hay-Zeus” ... But still.)
Anyway, if the entire profile had centered on Jesus-Zeus, it would have been great. Alas...
As Passan continues, we get a look at Manny Ramirez, fly in the ointment to anyone in the world who takes life seriously. Manny being Manny? More like Manny being a third grader, amiright?!
Manny Being Manny is really Manny Being Absurd. The cutesy sobriquet attached itself to Ramirez because he could hit a baseball 450 feet. If he were an average player, they’d call him a flake. [...]
He’s Manny, and he gets what he wants. Like during his first press conference with the White Sox. Ramirez, channeling Sammy Sosa, conveniently forgot English.
And just like that, for the rest of the article, the author uses Manny’s convenient amnesia with regard to the English language as an example of why “antagonism now seems wired into his DNA.” Save for a brief juxtaposition between Manny and Glenn Beck, there’s nothing particularly remarkable about Passan’s broader thesis here. Just another case of Manny being Manny, and sportswriters being sportswriters. The game is the game.
But while we’re on the subject... Isn’t it kind of awesome that Manny sometimes pretends that he doesn’t speak English? Like, isn’t that one of his very best qualities?
Mind you, Manny grew up in New York City. There’s no good reason why he shouldn’t understand English, and indeed, when he wants to, he can speak it just fine. Which makes the whole thing that much more ridiculous and brilliantly “absurd”.
If I could plausibly convince people that I didn’t understand English, do you know how often I’d offer a blank stare and say, “Yo no comprendo”? I’d do it every single day. And if 100 reporters wanted to ask me stupid questions about baseball and my work ethic? Psh... Yo no comprendo, yo!
So, yeah. I see where Manny is coming from. There are a lot boring, unimaginative people out there that I’d rather avoid in life. If I could, I would, and it’s hilarious that Manny does.
More importantly though, how does not speaking directly to the media affect Manny’s ability to help the Chicago White Sox over the next two months? ... YO NO COMPRENDO.
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