Bryce Harper Likes Everything In The World

In a radio interview this afternoon, Bryce Harper, who is notable both for being an otherworldly baseball player and possessing the ability to weep tears of cheek-staining soot, is deftly demonstrating how to make everyone not like you. From Nats Enquirer:

These are probably the three most polarizing teams in American sports, and people are bound to hate him for this, but hold on a moment. We need to consider the possibility that Harper, a 17-year-old whose worldview has not yet been compromised by things such as owing rent or suffering wisdom teeth, simply likes everything. Stick with me here.

I am almost exactly ten years older than Harper, and as anyone my age or older knows, you are unfortunately more cynical and less eager to like things at 27 than you were at 17. The statements Harper have made on record bear this out.

CONFIRMED THINGS BRYCE HARPER LIKES

- The Cowboys
- Duke
- The Yankees
- The Nationals
- Being a catcher
- Playing any other position
- Ryan Zimmerman
- Adam Dunn
- Looking at it differently
- BYU women’s soccer
- Summer rain
- Hot showers
- camping
- The beach (singular)
- Jesus The Christ
- God
- Beaches (plural)
- Strawberries
- Gordon B. Hinckley

CONFIRMED THINGS BRYCE HARPER DOES NOT LIKE

I’ve conducted searches for “bryce harper dislikes,” “bryce harper doesn’t like,” “bryce harper” “harper dislikes,” “bryce harper” “harper doesn’t like,” “bryce harper” “harper hates,” and several other strings. I have found nothing.

THINGS BRYCE HARPER MAY OR MAY NOT LIKE

- The Royals
- Royal flushes
- 1,000 Flushes
- House Of 1,000 Corpses
- House Of Sand And Fog
- Foghat
- Hard hats
- Hard Knocks
- Fort Knox
- Knoxville
- Asheville
- Ashland
- Zombieland
- Rob Zombie
- Rob Thomas
- C. Thomas Howell
- Thurston Howell the Third
- Joe Thurston
- Joe Carter
- Lynda Carter
- LenDale White
- White Zombie
- Every other thing in the English language (probably at least like 50 others)

You get the picture. Get disgusted with Harper if you want, but if his only sin is liking everything, well, maybe we’re the ones who have a problem.