2011 NFL Draft Choose Your Own Adventure: Page 42; You’re Interested In Ryan Mallett

Talking Golf Club turns out to have a pretty honest and detailed opinion about Ryan Mallett, or at least more of one than you think a hallucination should have about the Arkansas quarterback.

You have decided to look into a RYAN MALLETT. There is a story about Ryan Mallett, and it is false. We’ll tell it anyway, since that seems to be cool as long as you do it during the NFL Draft. Once, as an undergrad at Arkansas, Ryan Mallett showed up to class late for a test. The test that day was a multiple choice exam, and he needed a Scantron. Remember that none of this is true, but if drug rumors are going to just fly all over the place, let’s just go ahead and float a positive one in his name to balance the universe a bit.

Mallett does not have a scantron. Being the resourceful guy that he is, stands up and yells to the crowded classroom: “WHO GOT A SCANTRON FOR RYAN MALLETT?” He continued to attend classes at Arkansas, so we must assume he his strategy worked, he attained a Scantron form, and that Ryan Mallett passed the test.

Even though this story is totally fictional, this should sum up Ryan Mallett personality-wise better than any other unverified stories circulating about him. He’s a bro, and will remain a bro, albeit a kind of “Vanilla Ice/Eminem” kind of bro who is definitely interested in your new mixtape.

PHYSICAL CONCERNS: Mallett did break his foot prior to the 2010 season, but recovered well and played the entire 2010 season without any lingering effects from the injury. He did plenty of pool work to rehab the foot, but also augmented his workouts using Chamillionaire’s “Riding Dirty/Patrolling” injury recovery protocol.

He has the height to stare over the most massive of offensive lines. His arm is so live Petrino opted to go for a long bomb from his own 20 with six seconds left in the half against LSU. (Arkansas scored a TD on that play, btw.) He’s lanky, but he’s the kind of lanky that takes a beating well enough. In other words, if he’s a giraffe on the hoof he’s a durable one.

MENTAL CONCERNS: From the playbook side, probably the least of any quarterback entering the draft. He spent the better part of three years in mindmeld with Bobby Petrino, and if you watched the Gruden interviews on ESPN it’s clear that he has a geek’s zeal for plays, strategy, and reading defenses. (See the video here. Shallow cross REALLY excites him.) He does have a tendency to gunsling a bit, but that happens when you can throw as hard as he can.

The nastier concerns with Mallett are off-the-field issues. Mallett did get a DUI in the year out between his stint at Michigan and Arkansas, and drug rumors of all sorts have abounded in the usual hysterical run-up to the draft. Add in the concerns about him being the Eminem of quarterbacks, and the thought of giving him millions of dollars and equivalent responsibility may cause some trepidation among GMs and owners such as yourself.

Or then again, maybe you’re just hating on someone nicknamed “Big Sex.” It’s on Wikipedia, so it must be true.

STUPID CONCERNS: The drug rumors, being “street,” the inevitable rap career detour in his second or third year.

WHO HE SHOULD REMIND YOU OF, ACCORDING TO TALKING GOLF CLUB:

He reminds me of Drew Bledsoe with an NFL-grade CPU already familiar with pro-style play and working under center. He even throws an interception pro-style. He LEANS into it, and hits the wrong man squarely between the numbers with an unmistakable confidence. That’s a pro-style INT if I’ve ever seen it, and that’s what gets scouts so excited about him. If he could just be whiter more Matt Ryan-esque in his demeanor, I think we’ve really got something in this young man. Now please feed me a live squirrel, because I am hungry.
If you are interested in Ryan Mallett, please go to page 29.

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