2011 NFL Draft Choose Your Own Adventure: Page 29; Ryan Mallett Is Yours

You have acquired ONE RYAN MALLETT. If you have a run game, he’s going to be pretty successful, and enjoys a long and prosperous NFL career with several playoff appearances. Really, he’s probably going to be pretty good based on his physical skills alone, not to mention his existing base understanding of how pro offenses work.

Unless you are Cincinnati. Did you say you were Cincinnati? Okay, I’m sorry. That’s not the case at all, and Mallett endures a few painful years eating the Skyline Chili of football failures before moving on to greener pastures. He’ll probably be fine, but you will still be the Bengals, and for that I am sorry.

All of this is null and void if Mallett implodes due to those vague character issues, but this is true of every pick in this draft and in every draft, really. People get crazy when you give them millions of dollars sometimes, and if you don’t believe it look at yourself, insane NFL owner spending millions to grown men to play a child’s sport. You didn’t need a second yacht to carry your first one on, but after a certain point luxury is its own logic, or at least that’s what you tell yourself when you instruct the servants to fill the pool with Jello “just because I feel like swimming in my favorite dessert.”