You have purchased a BLAINE GABBERT It’s pretty great. You know how Jake Gyllenhaal is in every rom-com ever, just all perfect and ab’d up but earthy? He’s like that, but at quarterback. His entrance music is Hoobastank’s “The Reason,” and his touchdown celebration is a considerate slow dance he finishes by giving you jewelry and a slice of chocolate cake.
2011 NFL Draft Choose Your Own Adventure: Page 37; Blaine Gabbert Is Yours
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“Oh, Blaine, I don’t know. It’s a lot of calories,” you’ll say.
“The more of you to love, dear,” he’ll say while signing autographed for handicapped children.
“Oh, Blaine, I love you so much,” you’ll say.
“Oh, NFL Franchise, I love you, too.”
You’ ll cry the entire time when you have to cut him in seven years after his knees go bad and he gets his 35th concussion, but you’ll cry, and that’s more than most football players get when turning in their playbook.
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