2011 NFL Draft Choose Your Own Adventure: Page 92; You Want Defense

You have decided to go shopping on defense. This means you are likely looking at one of two defensive tackles from the State of Alabama. Talking Golf Club starts with Marcell Dareus of Alabama.

Talking Golf Club has a remarkably thorough and informed read on Dareus, and a short but violent one on Nick Fairley. Keep going! You’re so close to the end!
You have decided to look into a MARCELL DAREUS. Dareus was a marauding tackle on an Alabama National Title team in 2009, a force on the 2010 ten-win team, and comes from the Crimson Tide imprinted with the disciplined, nonsense-free style of play Nick Saban drills into his players at every position. This is our way of saying that he does not have character issues, is fundamentally sound, and has not spoken for four years in public.

(He’s going to be kind of talkative, but that’s Alabama’s media policies re: players for you. Get him to talk about cats. He loves them!*)

*Maybe? I’m just spitballing here. He might be a dog person.

PHYSICAL CONCERNS: Dareus ran a 4.93 40 at 320 pounds at the combine. Speed is not a concern. He could allegedly use some strength work in the upper body, but that’s not readily apparent from any game film we’ve ever seen, and most like the byproduct of scouts looking for something to get picky about in the body department. Strong as hell in the lower body, superb feet, and balance for miles to go with good hands for tipping the ball (or intercepting it for a TD, as he did in the 2009-10 BCS Title game against Texas.) His first step isn’t as quick as it could be.

MENTAL CONCERNS: Takes plays off, which is actually sort of troubling.

STUPID CONCERNS: Lack of upper-body strength. Nothing the weight room can’t fix.

WHO HE SHOULD REMIND YOU OF, ACCORDING TO TALKING GOLF CLUB:

His versatility reminds me of Glenn Dorsey, but his heartbreaking watercolor portraits of clowns remind me of my Uncle Harvey, who died after drinking some bad Windex. That’s the problem with Windex-drinkin’! Never sure what you’re getting with the Blue Dragon, I tell ya.

If you are interested in Marcell Dareus, go ahead and pick him, because he’ll be fine because he’s huge, talented, and will be productive as long as you don’t let him get too fat.

If you are interested Nick Fairley, please continue reading for our special extra-expansive Nick Fairley feature.

SURPRISE! He’s just like Marcell Dareus, but evil. Warren Sapp described him as “OW STOP HURTING ME MAN YOU ARE MEAN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU. He really likes hurting people, and is really talented, and this all means you should probably draft him if you like a.) good defensive tackles, and b.) paying fines.

Actual AP Photo, and not altered in any way.

The only complaint is some vague nonsense scouts have been saying about Fairley not being coachable. These criticisms have all been posted anonymously because these scouts do not want to be killed by Nick Fairley. He’s probably not as versatile as Dareus, but if you’re looking for a hammer who cares if it doesn’t come with a flashlight attachment? All Nick Fairley does is get off blocks and scare the hell out of people with his MS Paint horns. Draft him and you’ll be happy as long as you like injured opposing quarterbacks, personal fouls, and guys who Twitter a lot.

WHO HE SHOULD REMIND YOU OF ACCORDING TO TALKING GOLF CLUB.

Some people have said Warren Sapp, but that’s misleading. Warren Sapp didn’t have venomous fangteeth located in his armpits, and that’s a point you should remember when deciding between him and Dareus. Don’t bother investing in antivenom, though: it doesn’t exist, and even if it did the hallucinations caused by Fairley’s non-fatal but disorienting venom is really something. You should try it! It’s neat!

You have reached the end of your Choose Your Own NFL Draft adventure. Go in peace, and don’t talk to golf clubs who talk back. It only encourages them.

To start your adventure over, go back to page 1.