We’ve been waiting for years for someone to make an over-the-top sports movie about high school lacrosse, and now, the prayers have been answered. Witness “A Warrior’s Heart”, which IMDB describes like so:
Watch The Trailer For The Greatest Lacrosse Movie Ever Made
In shock and denial over his Marine father’s death in battle, star Lacrosse player Conor Sullivan, always a maverick and a hothead, starts acting out in self-destructive ways that have his mom, Claire, at her wit’s end. But arduous training in a wilderness Lacrosse camp under the tutelage of his dad’s old combat buddy, Sgt. Major Duke Wayne, opens Conor’s eyes to the true meaning of maturity, sportsmanship and manhood...
But the trailer’s even better.
Since there’s a lot to process in all this, I did a little breakdown.
0:11 — We’re at a prep school. Everyone’s wearing uniforms. There’s a girl doing the voiceover. Going for the Cruel Intentions vibe, I see.
0:25 — “This is a story about the guy I fell for.”
0:27 — OMG HE’S A LACROSSE PLAYER IT’S A LACROSSE MOVIE YESSSSSSS
0:30 — So he plays lax for BRIERFIELD? Subtle, writers. Reeeeeal subtle.
0:32 — #LAX4LYFE
0:38 — “The game’s been played by native Americans for centuries.” And oh by the way in case you were wondering, Native Americans still play lacrosse in the most stereotypical way possible.
0:43 — “It requires teamwork, strategy, and a bit of violence.” And SICK pinnies.
0:52 — Oh man. The only thing better than the locker room scene in Top Gun would be the locker room scene in Top Gun recreated with high school lacrosse players.
1:00 — [cut to burning Army humvee] Wait, WHAT?
1:03 — Coach’s voice: “He just buried his dad. He’s not real stable right now.”
1:05 — DON’T CLOTHESLINE HIM BRO IT’S NOT WORTH IT
1:10 — Connor smashes a trophy case.
1:16 — Connor appears to be in jail. For smashing a trophy case and clotheslining someone?
1:22 — Connor is chopping wood.
1:25 -- Connor is shirtless, kicking down an abandoned house.
1:35 — “It’s hard to say if heroes are born, or if they’re made by circumstances.” Deep.
1:42 — “I know everyone faces hardship in life, it just seems like some people are actually made stronger by it.” Cut to lax team welcoming him home.
1:45 — #LAX4LYFE. #BROS4LYFE.
1:49 — Roll credits, trailer’s winding down, etc.
1:51 — WAIT
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more surreal, we get blessed with the most LAXTASTIC name of all time. It’s like his parents named him “Chad” and then decided, “No wait that’s waspy, but let’s think waspier.” And then... CHORD F’ING OVERSTREET.
Aliases include Air Chordan, Chordy Nelson, Overstreet Hooligan, Dr. Longstick, and Puddles.
#LAX4LYFE. #BROS4LYFE.
2:07 — FWIW, the only thing better than this movie will be when Hollywood makes an all-black version in 30 years—and the Native Americans are still running around naked with Mohawks.
Until then: Is it legit to wear croakies to the Oscars?
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