Major League Soccer in perspective; My, how you’ve grown

Apr 15, 2011, 8:24 PM UTC

If Sherman and Mr. Peabody put you in their WABAC machine and transported you to 1999, what you’d tell everyone about MLS in 2011 would knock ‘em out of their khaki cargo pants.

Anybody remember the WABAC Machine? (Pronounced like “Way-Back Machine.”)

You kids may know the Wayback Machine as a digital time capsule created by a San Francisco-based non-profit. But us old folk, with a deeper understanding of life, know that name is a reference from The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, where Sherman and Mr. Peabody summon a crazy contraption called the "WABAC machine" to go bopping back in time.

So a friend to the blog known as World Cup Expert put us in the WABAC Machine this morning. He asked us to pretend that it’s 1999 again. You there yet? Office Space was just a goofy little film. You were wondering about how Bruce Arena might do as national team coach while waiting for the world to collapse in Y2K misadventure. Oh, and speaking of computers and the internet, you didn’t Google. Not just yet.

The rest of this is from World Cup Expert. The important part of this exercise is to really take yourself back. Consider what MLS was back then. Consider what you wanted it to be back then. I suggest that most of us would be falling over with joy to know then how it would be today.

By World Cup Expert

So it’s 1999, and the MLS season has just ended. Put yourself in that frame of mind. Someone from the future approaches you and this is what he would tell you about MLS circa 2011 (from West to East):

1. Vancouver has an MLS team. Part-owned by NBA great Steve Nash, there’s a waiting list for season tickets. Tommy Soehn, Chicago Fire defender, is their Director of Soccer operations, and Dave Dir, the Dallas Burn head coach, is a scout for the team (and also on the coaching staff for the U-20 national team).
2. Seattle has an MLS team. They average 35,000+ and Drew Carey of ABC’s prime time "Drew Carey Show" is one of the owners. Their attendance is so strong, they actually prefer to play in an NFL-size stadium.
3. Portland has an MLS team. Kansas City Wizard player John Spencer is their head coach, and Dallas Jesuit star Kenny Cooper, son of NASL great Kenny Cooper, is their most visible player. They also have a season ticket waiting list.
4. The San Jose Earthquakes are owned by the Oakland A’s of Major League Baseball. The Earthquake staff reports to Billy Beane, who happens to be a soccer aficionado.

5. The GM and Head Coach of the LA Galaxy is current DC United Head Coach Bruce Arena. David Beckham plays for them, and at one point, the Galaxy jersey was the highest selling soccer jersey in the world. DC chief Kevin Payne’s brother runs the business side.
6. A second LA team is partly owned by Chivas de Guadalajara. Tampa Bay Mutiny coach Thomas Rongen, Chicago Fire Coach Bob Bradley, Kansas City Wizard star Preki, and LA Galaxy defender Robin Fraser have all coached the team, none with much success.
7. Salt Lake City has an MLS team, arguably the top team in the league currently. It’s coached by Burn superstar Jason Kreis. Former Burn goalkeeper, Garth Lagerwey, is the General Manager. The team president is Bill Manning, who was the Tampa Bay GM when that team folded after the 2000 season.
8. Colorado is the current MLS champion and plays in its own state-of-the-art stadium. Despite this, their attendance continues to be woefully low. Stan Kroenke is the current owner, who also happens to own Arsenal of England’s Premier League. Incidentally, running the show at Arsenal is Ivan Gazidis, deputy commissioner Sunil Gulati’s right hand man. Sunil Gulati is now the President of U.S. Soccer.
9. The Dallas Burn call Frisco, Texas home, and, as FC Dallas, play in the nation’s first professional stadium/youth soccer complex of its kind. The Hunt brothers own the team, and a statue of their late father, Lamar Hunt, sits at the stadium entrance. SMU head coach Schellas Hyndman is their coach, and Burn midfielder Oscar Pareja is now the Director of the FC Dallas academy, considered by many in the industry to be the top academy program in all of MLS.
10. Houston has an MLS team. Partially owned by boxing legend Oscar de la Hoya, Houston will soon be playing in their own downtown stadium. Coached by Tampa Bay Mutiny defender Dominic Kinnear, Houston has won two MLS cups despite not having any significant foreign signings. Their first GM is former Oiler QB Oliver Luck, whose son is the favorite to win the Heisman trophy entering the 2011 NCAA season.
11. The Chicago Fire are coached by Mexican Carlos de los Lobos, while Frank Klopas runs soccer operations. They have yet to recover from the inexplicable firing of their fan-friendly GM, Peter Wilt.
12. The Kansas City Wizards are now Sporting Kansas City, and they play in the state of Kansas. Peter Vermes is the head coach. The current ownership group bought the team from Lamar Hunt in 2006.
13. Columbus, despite winning an MLS Cup, continues to be the most non-descript team playing in the league’s most non-descript stadium (ironically, the first stadium built exclusively for soccer). The first two GMs in Crew history went on to become high ranking, and highly regarded, executives at two different NFL teams.
14. Toronto also has an MLS team with a season-ticket waiting list. Despite being owned by the wealthiest franchise in the NHL, the Toronto Maple Leafs, they are perennial also-rans.
15. Miami and Tampa Bay no longer have MLS teams. Nick Sakiewicz, Tampa’s first GM, is now the Philadelphia franchise CEO after running the underachieving and problematic New York franchise for several years. Bill Manning, Tampa’s GM at the time they folded, now runs the highly successful Salt Lake City franchise.
16. DC United languishes as one of MLS' worst franchises. Still playing at the decaying RFK stadium, United currently bleeds more cash than just about any other MLS team, and their multiple title-run is a distant memory. Kevin Payne continues to run the show in DC.
17. Philadelphia has an MLS team. Their head coach is Chicago Fire all-start Peter Nowak. They are also on the list of teams with a season-ticket waiting list.
18. The New York team is owned by a European energy drink company and is aptly named New York Red Bull. They play in their own soccer-specific stadium in Harrison. Frenchman Thierry Henry and Mexican Rafa Marquez are the two most recent high profile players to play in New York. To the chagrin of league honchos, the most important franchise in MLS has yet to win a league championship.
19. New England currently has the worst attendance in MLS. They play in cavernous Gillette stadium, with only one side of the stadium open for seating at MLS games. This, despite at one point, having reached the MLS Cup final four out of six years. The team’s owner, Robert Kraft, also owns one of the most profitable and successful teams in the history of the NFL.