Marlins’ Closed-Door Meeting Transcript

“Okay, listen up, boys. My name is Coach Jack. I’ve been in this game for a long time -- more than 60 years. And all I ask, of any of you, is that I get your best effort. You understand me?”

[General assent]

“Good. Now I know we’ve been slumping recently. But that’s okay. This is a team. We’re all in this together. Every one of us. I’m talking to you, Hanley. And I’m talking to you...Big Man. And you, Ace. You guys are the team leaders. But that doesn’t mean you’re better than anyone else. We’re a team. I need all of you to play hard. Like you...I want to say ‘Dave’? No? Okay, well, I need you to play hard, Not-Dave. And...you, that guy over there. No, not the one standing by the -- I’m pointing at the other guy, who’s over by the...yeah -- you. I need you to play hard. I mean, I need you to play hard too, Standing Guy -- don’t get me wrong. I need everyone to play hard. Like you, the little white guy, and you too, the...I don’t know your ethnicity, I’d guess Chinese?, but whatever, I need you to play hard. And that goes for you, Tall Guy, and you, Just-Showered Guy, and you, the guy over there, shaking your head sadly, I assume because you are blown away by the power of my words. We all have to pull together, as a team, right now. You get me?”

[General silence]

“Good. Because I’ve been in this game for 85 years, and I’ve seen a lot of inspiring stuff, and I think this team is good. We’ve got pitching. We’ve got youth. We’ve got catchers -- I assume, I haven’t really looked at the roster. And we’ve got something more valuable than any of that -- we’ve got over 110 years of managerial experience -- and that’s just from me. There are some other coaches on the team, I haven’t really met them yet but I understand they’re capable baseball men. Speaking of which: hi, I’m Jack. What coach are you?”

[Confused silence; whispered explanation]

“Oh -- my mistake, Anibal. Nice to meet you. Okay, let’s get out there and take some infield, and remember, when you come in to hit, leave your gloves on the field so the other guys can use them when they field.”

[Confused silence]

“...We don’t do that anymore?”

Flourish. Exeunt. Curtain.